Coffee and comforters

She looked out the window, nursing a cup of coffee, her face almost pressed to the glass. Her hair, clothes and overall demeanor, all had the air of someone who's ,'sure as hell not stepping out of her home that day'. She sighed contentedly, and curled her legs up even tighter for warmth. The incessant rain, pounded against the trees, and the cars, and the street. Only a slight overhang, stopped it from knocking on her window. She wished she could wish the over hang away. She wanted to press her face against the glass, with the rain railing on the other side. She wanted to taunt it, tease it, stick her tongue out to it. Then she laughed, and jumped off the window sill. The marble floor was cold, and her toes curled up as her feet touched the ground.For a moment, she stood there, frozen, her legs stuck together, her arms pressed up against her body for warmth, her palms all toasty and warm from the coffee, her eyes closed, her nostrils dilated as he took in the cold frozen smell of nothing , that one usually gets when one is indoors during a particularly long rainy spell.

Laughing again, she put on her slippers, curling up her toes again in their warm softness.Her walk across the living room and down the hall, was lonely , yet strangely comforting. It was the second best thing in the world, on a rainy day like this. Alone at home,piping hot coffee and shrewsbury biscuits for company. A bed that afforded her comfy coziness, and a view of the rain outside that was just magical. A view of the street, people walking briskly , holding up umbrellas and clutching rain coats to their chin, trying to stay out of the wet and the cold. People looking busy, people looking nostalgic. Kids floating paper boats in large pot holes, and jumping around in the even larger ones. Teenaged lovers walking inthe rain, arms around each other,giggling and cooing.Dogs, sitting in alcoves barely sheltered from the rain,curled up, their fur bristling from the cold. They looked out at the rain dolefully , batting their eyelashes at it, whining at it to make it stop. And all the time, the rain poured on.. . Not malevolently. . Rather like the rush hour traffic....Mildly apologetic in one way, but routine and unavoidable in another. going about it's business, the sun having long since hidden itself behind it's grey prison towel.
She dips a biscuit in the coffee and bites of a large chunk, savouring the feeling as it's buttery goodness crumbles on her tongue, and then slides down her throat smoothly . The hint of coffee in the butter is tantalising. It's scalding hot, but she gingerly takes a tiny sip, her pink tongue still speckled with the light brown biscuit crumbs. She feels warm, and safe, her childhood comforter wrapped around her legs..... She hears a sound and looks up. . .

She smiles up at me as I enter the room, feeling the cold myself inspite of my thick coat. Many days, I would long to take it off, but not today. . Today, it feels perfect.I get up on the bed, and snuggle as close to her as possible, both to take warmth and supply it.She offers me her coffee, but I hate coffee, and all I want is to get inside that comforter with her. She puts down the coffee mug on the window sill, and pulls the comforter over our heads. For a moment, both of us are scrabbling about, trying to stay within the warmth, till both our heads pop out of the comforter, and we sigh as one,cuddling close to each other till we are comfortable. Oh....so comfortable..... She looks up at me and says..'I love you...'

I just wag my tail.

PS : Brrrrrr.....

PPS: I wish ! :D

O synechdoche ! (That's an Apostrophe. . .)

I've been watching the IPL lately. What with the summer vacations, and the joy of lying down on a chaise lounge,unwashed and sleepy, with a bag of chips, and the remotes(Set top boxes have contributed greatly to the megalomania of couch potatoes (Potatos sounds better in this context right?) ) within an arms reach, or at worst, clone enough to be pulled towards oneself, using a newspaper rolled breadth-wise.. . one is bound to end up doing exactly that. . wishing that the se7en fan club doesn't catch up to you :D. .

As i said. . I've been watching the IPL.And have been getting steadily depressed watching the performance of the team i was supporting: The Mumbai Indians. Just the other night, i remember feeling extremely sad watching the Mumbai indians getting their butt kicked by the Kings XI Punjab team..I stopped, and realised what i felt was hopelessness, a feeling as though everything was lost. Never mind that the Mumbai indians had played brilliantly in several matches, that there were several matches in hand and that they had virtually made the playoffs, or that, the fate of the Mumbai Indians had absolutely nothing to do with anything as far as I was concerned. I felt downtrodden, depressed, ashamed even. And the absurdity of the whole thing struck me, hard. . really freaking hard.

How many times has the win/loss of our favourite cricket/football team or Tennis/golf (?:P) player changed our mood for the better/worse ? How many times have we made important decisions in the backlash/euphoria of these emotions ?, and how many times have we wished we had done otherwise ? I mean, I cannot honestly say that the emotional overflow(:D) from some sporting event has not affected my mood and changed my life in a significant way. No one can. And i would be willing to bet on the fact that, yes, sporting events do affect our lives. We do gain pleasure from watching, the team we support defeat their arch rivals, and worse yet, we do get irritated and irritable when our team loses a game. The false sense of achievement and the vicarious disappointment we feel, carries on to the next human interaction we have, which influences the next and so on. We may decide not to work that day because, after all we won the game !, or on the other hand, we may be extremely crabby and snappy, disappointed by the loss. And it is quite rational, i think to9 assume that even neglecting the positive feedback that could decidedly aggravate our 'artificially created' bad mood, the fallout of even one cricket match or football game could effect important, permanent changes in our lives.

But accepting this premise, only puts us in a deeper quandary. . What then ?? This is the eternal catchphrase of the laissez faire. . . accept the status quo, for rejecting(and replacing) it is too time-consuming or difficult, or not worth the trouble. . . I have often tried to imagine (and actually tried as well, for a period of a week and a half), as an experiment to lead a meaningful, wholly productive life sans movies, sitcoms, social networking sites and euphoria inducing substances, and come to the conclusion that it is impossible. . At least, for a person conditioned in and by this society for this long, it is impossible. Of course, the possibility exists, that I , personally cannot pull this off, but then the question still remains, what does man do, the average, normal individual ? How does he live a semi meaningful,or rather pseudo meaningful life ( assuming that this plane of existence is the entirety of life, we can come up with a broad definition of meaningful that can be 'worked' :D) productive life. . Or is he/she destined to lie on the couch watching TV ?

As usual, there are several answers. Anarchy, Spartanism ( well. . you get the idea ... :D) and other ideologies swim in ones mind, wearing two piece bikinis on their flawlessly sculpted bodies, throwing water on you, chiding you, teasing you, begging you to come into the water (Couldn't resist. . Mea Culpa), and lots of people would gladly jump in, forgetting their poor wife(one piece, two kids :D) who stood by the pool. . .

Different is always worth checking out, but then divorce proceedings are always so messy and Spartanism and Anarchism both reeeealy want you :D, so yeah that's a bloody bog in it's own right. .look at your wife and i'm sure she's nice in her own right :D.. What i mean is, there's a way out, a very simple one. . come closer. . closer, i'll whisper it in your ear. . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MODERATION. . . .

It's like eating the whole of your birthday cake. . Okay, yeah, it's yours. . but that doesn't mean you have to eat it all, not unless you want to christen the day after your birthday, Diarrhea day :D. . Just because a system is flawed doesn't give us the license to curse it for every single thing that goes wrong with our lives, which is something, that a lot of us are only too willing to do. Cricket is a drug. . Okay. . understood . . But it has a range of influence. . the time for which the TV is on. .Ok, , maybe more than that. . But. . it's gotta end soemtime. . and that's for you to decide. .

Lots of people live their lives waiting for that perfect system to get established in the world, or for that perfect algorithm that tells you how to live your life. . And that's just Bullshit. . it's our life, and it's doesn't have an algorithm. . We have to change things for ourselves, by ourselves. . every minute of every day. . .

Get on with it. .

PS: Mumbai Indians !! \m/ , Despite today's brilliant game plan which involved Pollard and Bhajji hitting 26 off the last over, just cause Mishra did 23 ( Mommmeee :D)

PPS: People never really think through the algorithm premise. . 9 times out of 10 it points to no free will and determinism. . .

PPPS: THe marriage/hot chicks in the swimming pool analogy didn't work out, going deeper revealed too many complexities.. like your current marriage is a childhood betrothal, that's the same for everybody else too :P

PPPPS: Of course, a rough analogy, disregarding the absurd aspects (:P) would say that man is never satisfied with the status quo, and is always looking out for something better. . .which is true for a certain class of individuals. . Rational Rebels. . But then, what would be the link that joins this particular class of individuals with the marriage/society analogy ??

PPPPPS: enough for now. . If you get any leads, please do call/message/mail

PPPPPPS: Yawn. . .G'night. . .

What's wrong with me :D

I recently set up a webpage on whatiswrongwith.me(www.whatiswrongwith.me/Sumedh), which allows to people to send anonymous feedback about you. Now i received quite a bit of feedback, some good , some bad, some random(:D). Of the two, room for improvement comments that I received, I had already known about those aspects of me and had analysed whether my behaviour was good or bad.One of them was about me talking a lot about things that maybe people around me weren't the least bit interested in.The other was about me not being able to understand my friends needs and being a little selfish.

Now, the first statement, I have heard a million times before. I agree that it can be frustrating when I get into one of my rants and then wax eloquent bout topics that are stupid, inane, random and worst of all uninteresting to others. (main kya lund insaan hoon)In fact, I have been actively trying to be less of a chatterbox, but the fact is, that most of the times, I can't help it ! I get into the groove sometimes, and then there's no stopping me (by me, of course !! Others can of course stop me. kinda like when kids bite their fingernails or suck their thumbs :D)What i suggest my frustrated friends do is say to me, in a firm quiet voice : "Sumedh, you're doing it again. . . ". Kinda like the really nice but strict fathers do in Chicken soup, or Enid Blyton books.. . Of course, don't do it all the time. I mean, i gotta have my fun too, right. . :D Actually even if people do tell me to shut up all the time, i don't think i'd actually do it. I mean, yeah i'd probably get all blushy and guilty and all, but hey, you know what they say ' The ego wants what the ego wants' :D

The second statement got me thinking.I mean, I know I am extremely self involved, but that's just because things are so complicated inside my head,it's hard to stop thinking about....... well. . everything. . Also, recognising people's needs isn't as easy or as clear cut as it's made out to be: Understanding situations, sympathising with the person in case and offering suggestions is sometihng thati can do, in my opinion, quite well, but when it comes to gauging what is wrong by a person's behaviour. . well, I suck. This is primarily because, whenever I try to extrapolate actions/body language to feelings and dilemnas i have a habit of considering every possbile scenario my mind can lay it's hands on, and analysing their possibility. And in an ostenibly stochastic world such as ours, it's not hard to assign almost equal probabilities to all the options. And I, just can't resist. I am off on my way, wild horses pulling me to every every corner of the earth.Also, several times, when I have tried to extrapolate and help, I have broached topics that my friend wouldn't want to talk about.This is essentially another parameter to be analysed, while considering probabilities: whether the other person wants to talk about it, but it is different in the sense, that whether you get the answer is one half of a binary choice:Choosing to talk, or not.To be on the safe side, I don't, and like is possbile in every possbile situation, I get made out to be the bad guy :D !! I mean, how the hell is one really supposed to know what to do and what not to do ?

The way out, as I see it, as I have always seen it, from the time that I first analysed this part of me, is "Tell Me !!!", the only difference being that I didn't really make it so clear, as it felt kind of stupid then(It still does, but I think more good will come out of this than bad) This would also solve the first problem, of me blabbering about stuff that people don't want to listen to me blabbering about.

I reiterate: If you want to talk about something, any goddamn thing under the sun, please tell me. 'Cause if there's one thing, I'm a sucker for, it's being a good samaritan (:D). . i mean seriously, this may sound extremely pious( or Pi, like they say in St Clares !!), but in fact in a morality paradigm that classifies naivete as stupid and 'unethical', I would be the worst kind of sex offender, or murderer :D.

I re-reiterate. This is not a joke. I am not messing with you to get sometihng to laugh about later in my room. I care. I'm just too unsure of what to do. . .


P.S.:Oh god, that was probably the emo-est of them all......

P.P.S.: But worth it, i hope !
P.P.P.S.: The main lund hoon was courtesy achin, the guy who put one of the comments(The less insulting one :D) on my page. . I decided to leave it in. . Seems to fit with the decor :D
P.P.P.P.S. : Once again, classic example of megalomania. . I have to be right, even about me being wrong. . . :D

P.P.P.P.P.S. : I'd make a very interesting psychiatric case ( Re: Hot psychology students :D :P)

The secret (Rhonda Byrne's was a typo :D)

Yesterday, I decoded the secret of life. I didn't realise it then. . That is, of course something to be expected. Knowing is one thing. Knowing that you know, is a totally different ball game. The first rests on your experience and reasoning capabilities, among other tihngs. The second rests on introspection, self confidence and an obsession that forces you to look at things again and again and again..(well, you get the picture..). Sometimes, knowing is enough. However, to know yourself, you must know that you know, what you know and how you know it. You must'nt just be aware of things, you must also be aware of that awareness. Admitted, that taken to the nth level and then (as is inevitable) iterated further to infinity, it gets confusing. Really confusing. But a level 2 awareness is, if you go about it the right way, the definitive step of the series, one that affords you knowledge of the further levels(Of course, to know you know, you have to actually reason out each level separately, which is a simple iterative process, but infinitely so, which makes it impossible (Think about it, and you'll realise this is true)) By the right way, I mean that your mind has to be aware that the transition from level one to level two is actually just a specific rendering of a generic interative step ( i=i++). If done properly, you feel all the levels rush by you and you are aware of them, or at least you are aware of your potentiality for awareness. However, as i said before, to go one level further in your analysis of the levels of understanding, you must go to each level and understand it's implications as a stand alone concept.A very simple example is the famous plot device used to the death in cinema. He knows that she knows that He knows . . .ad nauseam, a good example of which can be seen in Jeffrey archer's 'shoeshine boy', from His collection of short stories entitled 'Twelve red herrings'

Anyway, if i'm done digressing , I think I should move on to the real subject that I was talking about. The secret of life. In life, most of our decisions are based on analyses of situations, based on what would happen if things were to go wrong, of which there is always a good (and to our paranoid minds, overwhelmingly large) probabililty. Now, our confusion mostly stems from the fact, that all the uncertainty has it's source in the caprices of human nature, of people who are deciding on the basis of what they think your decision might be. A very convoluted game, with an infinity of sub games. . Of course, some people may not make decisions after such a detailed analysis of the situation, but not knowing, who is, and who isn't ,making their decisions in a specific way brings us back to square one. Even the most rational and moral individual (The definitions of which I leave to my readers imagination: You know what I'm talking about, even if you can't express it any better than this :P) lives his life subject to the decisions of others, not knowing if the decisions he makes will eventually lead to him being happy.

And Voila ! , I am about to throw open the curtains. . to reveal something, so obvious in its simplicity, yet so cleverly hidden by the inoccuousness of it's paradigm, by how insignicant it seems at the first glance : Blues . . .

The blues, have a very funny way of taking sadness and turning it on it's head, channeling it into something happy and constructive and beautiful. I find it nothing short of magical that when I play the blues, i fuel my music with the saddest and most depressing thoughts that my mind can muster, but inevitably, there is a smile on my face, a crazy, demented smile that is...is just great. . My guitar cries, but my mind laughs, my fingers are tensed with the sadness of a thousand deaths, terminal illnesses and an aching that threatens to suffocate, but my body is joyful, uplifted and quivering with a pleasure that is heavenly and transcendental. . .In moments, I find myself happy again. . So happy, it hurts. . like Magic.

Try it out sometime. Next time you feel sad, listen to BB king, or Muddy waters or The Allman Brothers band, and feel the magic taking you over, washing off the blues,vibrating, bending and sliding it into something crazy joyful. And the next time you worry about things going wrong, remember it'll just make the blues better. . . .

PS: Check out the compilation called chess blues, it's so awesome, they decided to invent a new word for it, but realised that it wasn't possible. .

PPS: Yes, that was a horrible simile, but the problem defies the very basis of a simile, that there must exist sometihng comparable and similar to it.

PPPS: Oh Gawd ! that saxophone.

PPPPS: Was listening to a song called The commisioner , by Arbee Stidham.. . as i wrote this. . .

Sigh.....

Was just looking through my itunes library when my eyes fell on the song 'Photograph' by nickelback. That's it. I just saw the name. Didn't even have to hear it. . .And off i was. . . Rose colored spectacles, Summer days, a pop rock band playing on the side of a hill, me squinting at the sun as the camera zooms out, panning to my right as it does so, finally stopping as you see a boy standing on the top of a mountain holding his parent's hands as he joyfully swings his legs off the ground. Children comparing lunch boxes at school, family vacations in goa, soft furry dogs, teenage love, ratlami sev (HEY ! stop laughing !!), two boys on a building terrace in the middle of the desert looking at the night sky, nights spent playing cards, transcendental moments in the middle of a crappy park of a crappy town (Crappy in a very 'modern', fixed paradigm sense), ice candy (golas really...damn i'm pretentious, aren't I ?(:D)) for 2 rupees, more dogs, more love, more ratlami sev and.......Sigh.....

It's excrutiating. . . Painful. . Beautiful. . .warm and fuzzy with the smell of fabric softener(I'm assuming that's what that is :D). . . Just...Just lovely. . . Nostalgia.. .

Well, sometimes you feel like you're 80 when you're really just 20.. .The years behind you stretch endlessly like a dream, an infinity that ends too soon, so much so that you wonder, whether you really did all that. . Whether you really were the snotty kid, who cried on the first day of school, hid under a desk so you wouldn't be chosen for the school play, who sat, moonstruck listening to MLTR and Westlife, who's mother hung a poster saying ' No bugs allowed' in your room, the day after you had that bad dream . . .

I wonder. . .All those years, all feel like a dream. The 5 years at home, 10 in school, 2 in kota and even the first 2 years of college, seem unreal, fake, fictional. . It's like lookng back at your life and seeing the pages of a comic book you don't remember reading, but that evokes in you a strong feeling of Deja Vu.. .


At this point, I can hear you screaming: Get the F*#% on with it ( but at the same time i'm sure you're misty eyed with a small smile on your face, feeling as old as hell. . )But yes. . I will get the f*#% on with it. .

We spend our lives moving forward, knowing, if not fully understanding that while we go ahead we leave behind a lot of things, a lot of us.. things that we will look at again when we're 40,60 or 80, vowing to live life to the fullest, to treasure the moment, for it will be gone soon. Be it happy or sad, frustrating or fulfilling, it is and will be Us. It will have a chapter, or a paragraph, or atleast a line in the book of your life. And like it is with books, we read past the chapters to reach the climax, the finale , the end, not realising that it is slipping away, in a sense forever. . .Knowing something means not 'not knowing it'. We live life like that. . Skipping chapters to reach something that we feel, will be the culmination and the justification for all we have done. . .

I will now proceed to preach to you :

Live life, you dumbfucks ! Next time you're bathing, sing louder, close your eyes and imagine yourself to be dancing in the rain. Next time you meet your parents, or your grand parents, hold their hand a bit tighter. . there will be a day when it will no longer be possible. Laugh at your friends jokes, you will lose contact with them and, years later, smile at some old remembered statment and wish you had played more, lived more. When you next look at the setting sun, and are amazed by it's beauty, stare at it for those 5 extra seconds, soon it will be naught more than a photograph.When you next find yourself, standng on a hill, the bulding terrace or even the road, and you feel the wind blowing something marvelous, close your eyes and stand there with your arms outstretched. . Yeah , your friends will say you're gay, but when you're all bedridden invalids you can laugh at them and have your fun ( But you won't want to . . )

Read this whe nyou feel sad, even the teensiest bit. .
'http://likemylife.homestead.com/inspirationalquoteslivinglifetothefullest.html'
(Or alternatively, read this post :D :D. . I mean you'll come here to get the link anyway :D)
Listen to these songs
Cranberries : Imagine, ode to my family, Dreams
Westlife: seasons in the sun
Baz luhman: Sunscreen
Nickelback : Photograph
Vitamin C : Graduation
Laree chootee, lamha ye jayega kahan
Greenday: Rotting ,time of your life
3 doors down: Be like that

and then tell me more like these.....

PS: I'm sorry for going all wussy on you. . . hey wait ! i'm not . . screw you !

PPS: *Sniff*(Really...)

PPPS: Oh, and nothing says it better than 'Aanewala pal, jaanewala hai . . '

The company of myself

It just struck me, that ' People who know me in passing' probably think i'm weird. Just a half hour ago, I was walking back, just having enjoyed a Roast chicken Sub sandwich and a doughnut with cappuchino flavoured whipped cream ( Or as I would say : heaven on a plate), when I caught people giving me strange looks. One or two of those incidents may be explained away by the fact that two dogs, one huge and black, the other tiny and white, were frolicking about me, trying their utmost to rip my hand off; but I found that I was on the receiving end of the glances, even when I wasn't being followed by my personal guard.
Just the other day, I found myself, sitting alone in our large Open Air theatre, waiting for an event to start, just staring into space, and thinking about ...uhmm.well ..let's skip that, or i'll attract even more stares.Well, basically I was sitting around, when a friend called out to me, looking bemused and thoroughly amused, and asked me, what the hell I was doing. Now I agree, that with my close cropped hair, large headphones, and intentionally(or so people say) funny walk, it is likely that I paint a funny picture, but several examples have convinced me, that the common factor, is that i'm alone. That too, in very peculiar circumstances: Returning from a solitary dinner, on a friday night; in a place filled with people, all of whom I've known for a long time; between lectures in the middle of a lawn, full of people; always in situations where I would be hard pressed not to find someone to talk to.

Now, I have plenty of friends. Lord knows, I have more than i can handle. I'd probably be much better off with fewer friends, whom I was closer to, but Lord knows, that ain't possible, what with machiavelli, a general lack of genuinity and my big mouth.And that's precisely why I feel the need to be alone, with myself. To catharsize(not sure that's a word), to think, to talk freely and rearrange my thoughts. In fact, when people stare at me, I stare right back, breaking into a wide grin, once i've passed them by ( Imagine, that , the next time you see me; i guarantee it'll make you laugh :D)making up funny back stories and imaginary rendezvous for them, imagining twisted love polygons and backstabbing roommates and psychotic friends.( That too, is fun !) But apart from that, when I haven't been distracted into escapist imaginative hedonia (Yeah, It asked for that..(escapist imaginative hedonia :P)), I'm thinking...About weird stuff, i'll give you that: Of if's and but's,could's and should's, forks in time, and me.Didn't they tell you ?, Narcissus got reincarnated. ( nated...nated...nated...(Who's that ?!))

Now as you can imagine, going over one's decisions and quasi decisions is mindnumbing and disorienting. Questioning one's choices, repeatedly, torn between a Jekyll and a Hyde, kinda like the angel and devil that are shown to hover above one's left and right shoulder in several cartoons, only, none of them's really a devil or an angel in their totality.Too right. . .Mentally, it's like getting ripped to shreds by a billion different horses ( as analogous to paradigms), though only a few of the billion are really truly apparent to any one individual,( in a horrible parallel of vector summation, it is easier to comprehend 8, or 10 'equivalent horses'(:D) that are made up of the vector sums of several other horses, face it, you're ripped to shreds either way, there's no use splitting hairs..or in this case..'equivalent horses' :D) but it's fun, and satisfying. It gives you a more complete picture, even if you are denied closure most of the times.It puts a lot of things in perspective.And imagining twisted plot developments in one's starers lives is wayy more interesting than what's actually going on in their lives ( not yours..wild horses, remember !)

Basically, my point is: Solitude is essential. . To know yourself. To understand better, your decisions and those of others. And it's fun. After all, if people spend time with you, why can't you spend time with yourself ? It's second best to, if not as good as, a genuine relationship.And you don't have to share your doughnut. .. .

PS: Yeah, i'm weird...

PPS: I talk to dogs sometimes...

PPPS: Okay! i do it all the time ...

Machiavelli does a backflip (in his grave)

Caution:....This is not a drill....Keep reading only if you wish to be handed key weapons to which my psyche is vulnerable, that could lead to the destruction of my self confidence and self esteem. Who am I kidding, isn't that something everything wants..Not me specifically, no not even I am as presumptuous and arrogant as that, but the weaknesses, fears and neuroses of people in general.To subtly influence them, manipulate them, control them.I realise that i have been to smart alecky in my posts in general and that I need to render myself vulnerable and entirely defenseless. But wait... Why would I do that ? Is that even possible ? After all i control the content of this post. I will decide what to write here and what to omit. It's like The Hulk punching himself in the face.Only he can do it, but why would he ? To see how it feels ? To get stronger? ( Derived from the 2 ancient adages: 'What doesn't kill you will make you stronger'...and 'Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me' : After all, it's not like I'm Achilles revealing my weak spot, it's more mental)For shock value ? For respect and admiration, imagined and expected, over notions of the 'bravery' of the act ? To have people confide their own insecurities in me ?

To the questions above :
Try suicide then, just once , to see how it feels.Adage 2 is false.Suicide again: Grow a pair, Get a life . Yeah right, what are you a 16 year old just out of a movie theatre ?Why?Why in the name of God would anyone want that ?

Because, of all the reasons. Because, in my morality paradigm, largely a creation of movies,Chicken soup for the soul, and Cecelia Ahern books, these things are good and desirable. Because I want to play out the first Jason Bourne book on an emotional plane to see if(sorry..how :D) I survive.Because I'm bored and I trust in the goodness of men( generic...no gender intended :D)

By now, you are either a) salivating, with a hungry rapacious look in your eye(if you're a descendant of Machiavelli ), b)looking misty eyed with a small smile on your face, your brow slightly furrowed, a blessed look on your face(if you're gay: or emo, like me...:D), c) looking disgusted and surprised at my naivete and stupidity ( if you're a friend of mine, that's not gay or emo) or some combination of the 3.( 'Yeah !'(rapacious), 'Ohh..sighh...'(gay), 'WTF !See a shrink'(friend)). And yeah, i expect that. I know what people are likely to say, think and do after reading this, and i'm ready for it.Ready to take what the world has to give me. Cruel world, that has influenced, manipulated and guided people for centuries, without their knowing. A world where we all keep our cards stuck to our chest, afraid to look ourselves, for fear that someone else might catch a glance. Where advantages are pressed unto death. Where one cannot breathe, or walk or jump or sing, without being vulnerable to attack. Where we wear so many masks and don so many roles, we ourselves know not who we really are.....

Yes I am ready...To play an open hand, relying on my sheer strength and fortitude to beat back the merciless hordes that approach, a handful of brave soldiers by my side.


Excellent...We are prepared for every contingency. Not one to be caught napping.Nope.Not us.We're ready


PS: It was a drill...

PPS: As it always is....

PPPS: Notice how I actually did reveal my motivation in the first paragraph before chickening out.

PPPPS: But does, that count, considering the fact that I pointed it out. I may be just playing with you from the outset, kinda like an intellectual cocktease(Pardon my language !) where an erection is used as an analogue to mental stimulation, an intellectual breakthrough !!

PPPPPS: I might actually do it, but i'm sure people get bored.

PPPPPPS: That rapacious look is back guys. . . Cut it out,. I was kidding...

Of Morals and Magnets

After i wrote that long note at the top of this blog, to feed my megalomania. . I realised that i have been writing less meaningful, 'draw people out and shake them, till the world is topsy turvy again' kinda posts ( sometimes colloquialisms are appropriate). I realised that people (those who read my blog({phi !}), and people in general) are settling back into the rabbit's fur(Sophie's world: Jostein Gaarder = brilliant book) and feeling comfortable with their lives, and settling into their private ruts again.And that, my friends, does not work for me. I need to reate conflict and argument, debate and discussion, which funnily enough is at odds with another fundamental part of my psyche, conflict mediation( But this scenario actually goes quite well with my megalomania: I create a conflict, mediate it, and get to be the good guy in the end ! Woah !! I just figured myself out ! "Shh...say no more. . We'll talk later. At the crossroads, when it is neither night nor day") anyway, if I'm done digressing, I'd rather get on with my 'serious' post.

The other day, i was 'relieving myself' ( I love to indulge in highly transparent,subtly vulgar euphemisms. Note that I could have used 'Rearing butt cobras' or 'Making nutty chocolate', but i chose to go with the classic ' relieving myself' so as to not offend my more 'delicate' readers(I, for one enjoy toilet humour almost as much as I did as a child. .), though retrospectively, I realise that by writing this sentence, I have completely defeated that purpose :D . . . Back to the main text..) when a revelation made itself available to me. Now this may seem funny to some of you, but the fact is, that you have a choice in your 'revelations'. Your mind gets the whiff of a revelation and your mind must follow it through till the end for you to actually have the epiphany. I myself recall countless occasions when I found myself at the brink of an epiphany, only to blow it off to pursue some more hedonistic pleasure.Fittingly, one can never seem to recall what that stimulus was that caused you to start upon the path to enlightenment, and one is left wondering whether it was really an epiphany, or just something that seemed like one whose only purpose was to torture one with the thought of having passed it by. In the case that this were true, my theory of epiphany-choosing would undoubtedly be false, and the only 'proof' i have against that is that, at the point of choosing, the choice is very real and consious. (Of course the world still may be deterministic in the sense, that being the person I am, i would never have chosen otherwise and any thoughts to the contrary are just products of plain human stubbornness(No more on that..Read for more: http://blogsareegomaniacal.blogspot.com/200 9/06/further-justification-for-blog-name-are.html))

As I was saying (!), I had an epiphany. I was just wondering, apropos sometihng that had happened to me recently, whether I was really all that good and moral as i purpoted myself to be, and at that moment it struck me: What seems good and moral to a person could very
well seem naive and foolish to another.What one person sees as bad, disgusting and immoral, would be seen as shrewd and infinitely smart to another. And for the life of me , I could not find any way to prove the superiority of one of these viewpoints over the other.The only obvious reason was that the former conforms to modern social norms, but since when does the widespread nature of one view constitute proof of it's superiority over another ? Our norms have changed several times over the centuries, and they are no means of judging right or wrong.(Another causal factor in the creation of social norms is the distribution of power in society and the views of these 'powerful' individuals, but this is not a consideration worth discussing, hence the parentheses :P)

What then ? What is right ? What is wrong ? Does our moral compass have a magnet stuck to it somewhere, a magnet, that someone else hid there(or scarier still, we hid and forgot about)? One option that immediately comes to mind is that, one of the two groups ( Naivete as opposed to conventional morality(in an alternate universe, without loss of coherence, Naivete could be immoral)) are just faking their belief in their morality paradigm and in truth are driven by other immoral 'forces' to behave, and believe that they are right ? The questions raised by this assertion are : a) What immoral forces ? b) Is 'universal' acceptance and belief a good enough measure of morality ? and c) Which of the two views are right ?
Point (c) points to the fact that even if a way can be found out of the multiple paradigms'impasse', the basic question still remains.Point (a) simply calls to one's attention the fact that the final, true system of morality, would be internally coherent, but not necessarily objectively true, and Point (b) asks us the questions ' What is morality ? What is truth ?' Clearly, this argument would be, (if at all) secondary to an argument that can resolve suitably the questions raised by it, for they are fundamental to this analysis of morality and truth.

The only way out of this horrenduous predicament, in my opinion, or atleast the one that is most clear and describes things, at least upto a certain depth in totality, is to adhere to the 'magnet attached to the magnetic compass' theory. You choose a path, by going over the different possible systems of morality, and suitably attach a magnet ot your compass. You then follow the compass, making suitable adjustments to the magnet, as and when you feel the need to change your path entirely. The fixing of the magnet as a default option gives one time to observe ones surroundings, interact with them, and steer (:D). However one must be aware of the fact that there is a magnet, and that the path we are on is not a predecided, universally prescribed one. After all, isn't everybody free to choose one's path.

Analogically, one's moral system is typically personal and must be treated as such.The only thing we can seek , as a parallel to the morality that we pursued in the paradigm where morality was absolute and universal is internal coherence. For example, on the path ( piecewise defined :P) that one has chosen, one can always agree with others on the same path that it is very scenic and beautiful, more so than any other that could have been chosen,in fact the 'beauty' of the path would be one of the parameters that contributed to it's selection over others in the first place.

Apt ....

!!

PS: Of course, all this could still be deterministic ....a la the post, the link to which i have pasted somewhere in the middle of this one : what the heck : http://blogsareegomaniacal.blogspot.com/2009/06/further-justification-for-blog-name-are.html (:P)

PPS: Is beauty really subjective ?

PPPS: The actual analysis of the different systems of morality would be an extremely involved, though interesting task....Maybe another time ....

Where is Wonder Woman ?

I am sad. . . .I lay on my back on my bed in my room in Hostel 6, IIT Powai, and I am sad, bored, dejected and depressed. . I am also hot. . .Unbearably so. . Covered in sweat, I lie there,staring at the ceiling of the tiny room that I share with another. . He is speaking, but I do not hear him. My mind is buzzing my aural sense into disrepair. . I look at the cobwebs, on my ceiling, and see past them. The ceiling fades away and is replaced by the great black sky. . Stars. . . billions of them. . I look at them and am catapulted into space, rushing forwards at a speed so fast, I fear that i may fall. . i keep going on and on, and all I see are bright stars, all around me stretching for , dare i say, miles ??!!
A jerk later, I am back on my bed, sweaty and panting, but exhilarated. . . I have seen worlds, beautiful worlds, terrible worlds. . rather, i have seen, with my own two eyes, the possibility of their existence, and i will never again be content with what I have. Is it true then that ignorance is bliss ?? Or is an unexamined life,not worth living ?. . .The universe, of which we are but a microscopic fraction, stretches on and on, till what ? An end ? Itself ? Nothingness ? What then is nothingness ? Can one even comprehend such a state. Time zero. . . Space zero . . .The inevitable question pops up in our mind. . . But, what was before that, behind that, after that, ahead of it. . . ? What indeed . .
There are days when such thoughts fill oneself with a tremendous feeling of hope and ecstasy. . our mind is bright with the rich images of a journey yet to be made, of a future, and indeed a past, yet to be discovered.Of a logic yet to be understood, and of an outside, something beyond everything, to be seen.
And then there are other days, when these same thoughts fill your mind with confusion and frustration. They make you want to fall to your knees, your hands pointed heavanward, as the camera slowly zooms out inflationarily( there should be a word like that ) and your observable universe becomes a speck in the distance as the exponential function flexes its muscle........

As I recall, I was sad....I cannot imagine why, but at some point very close in time to this one, I was sad, depressed, dejected and worst of all: bored.....And i was hot...As i get up, suddenly, jerkily, the buzzing in my ears stops.I suddenly have a very heightened sense of awareness,a feeling i vaguely associate with the bullet time action sequences i used to execute in 'Max Payne: the Game'. I get off my bed, put on a pair of slippers and walk out of my room, The corridor seems to stretch on forever. I look both ways and turn right, walking briskly past several other doors. There is a light on in some, music in others, while yet others are cold and silent, inhabitants, either asleep or not in attendance.Other doors are open and I see people inside, with their normal lives, eating sleeping , playing....

I turn right again, then again, then left. I am now going down a flight of stairs: dark, yet inviting. They seem to stretch on endlessly, much like the corridor that i have just traversed. The more i walk, the more lost and confused i seem to get. I walk faster, but the the flight of stairs is just as unending and my mind just as confused....

Finally, i hit the bottom. Where there should be an open corridor, there is an enclosed passage, dark alcoves and turnoffs every few metres, left and right. I raise my eyes, looking for some light, a window or a door that will lead me out, but all i see are more passages.All the passages in this building seem to share a lighting pattern.The light is dim, but comfortable. It seems normal, almost natural in a way. The air in here seems ordinary and entirely normal, but conditioned, fabricated,treated in a way, not natural.

I jerk back to consciousness, realising that all this while i have been walking.I must've taken some random and arbitrary turns, for I no longer know where i am. I am now in a high arched room, flooded with a more beatific hue of the same ochre light. In front of me I see a window, with stars sparkling and twinkling outside.I run to the window and breathless, throw myself on it, feeling a draught of cold air, fresh air.As i bask in that freedom, a horrible thought comes into that mind..The darkness, the stars, the air, are all horrifyingly reminiscent of the planetarium I remember visiting recently......

I wake up......

We live, in a system. A system, that forms the entirety of our existence. We follow it, adhere to it, almost as if it were right and perfect, innately so. Even our rebellions, our revolutions, our protests, are but mechanations of this system. We live in a big castle, full of amusement arcades. An all spanning, colossus of a castle. Wherever we run,seeking windows, doors, we only find more brick and stone.It is comfortable and ordinary, yet false and synthetic. We know nothing of anything. What it means, why it means what it does and who ordained that it be so. Just the mores and norms of the system, the brick and stone of the castle.

Our universe seems to be, by definition, infinite and endless. Our world is less so. Prohibitively vast perhaps, but finite in time and space, at least by our present knowledge. As of now , we live, not in a tiny planet, among 10(odd) revolving around a small star, that is one of billions in a galaxy, that again, is one among trillions, but yet in a system, one of infinitely many possibilities, on the tiny planet. We dream, hope and 'plan' to conquer the stars, to go where no man has ever gone, but in this small world of ours we are blinkered and bound by the ropes that mark our lane in the race. A race, the purpose of which we do not know, of which we do not wonder......

PS: I didn't mean to sound quite so 'armageddon'y, but i have this daydream often. . Cages within cages, systems within systems, all built on a base, a very long time ago, by God knows who...

PPS: Seriously, there is no wonder left in the world anymore...

Tending to utopia :P

Utopia. . . .Dystopia. . . . Today. . . .


A long time ago ( in a galaxy far far away. . . (time coordinate of course :P(and here i get outragede when someone calls me a geek :P))) i wrote a post about capitalism and communism--

http://blogsareegomaniacal.blogspot.com/2009/07/capcom-i-realized-while-reading-my-past.html


-- At the end, i spoke about how a mixture of the two exists in our world today, viz: A capitalist economy, balanced by economic controls, taxation and 'redistribution of weath' ish policies by the government. . I also expressed the view that this form of society, which incorporated both communist and capitalist elements, had developed naturally, because of the amount of time that had passed within the purview of recorded history allowed for a capitalist(the early kings and administrators) society to develop, be overthrown by the masses, and then for a sort of equilibrium to be achieved. I was thinking about our world and how we seemed to have settled, more or less in to this system, this organisation that is the world. . And how most people think that to make things better would mean working inside this system, that there are some concepts and ideas , that are untouchable and sacrosanct, that must be as they are , for our world today , is as has been decreed by the lord almighty. . .

Two words. . .BULL SHIT
( funny how star movies converts shit into crap in their subtitles, i mean. . what the crap ?!! :P)


If one analyses through time, how today's society has evolved, one will see that not much thought has gone into it's structure and functioning (neglecting all conspiracy theories about a few very smart, very powerful oligarchs running the world: and then we have loads of other stuff to worry about :P) It has evolved as a result of natural human competitiveness, revolutionary social movements and finally a balance in the power distribution. . . A very complex balance. . . And yet, at some point people got comfortable with the idea of this structure, mainly because the people in power liked it for the benefits it afforded them, and hence throttled all attempts to even talk of a different structure, so much so that people believe that this system is the most perfect possible. .

In truth, this is one of several, possible equilibria. . It is just the one that we are facing due to certain historical events that led the history of the world on this path. . Also, every system in the world can be made better, cause if it can't then it is the best possible one and everyone agrees that our world today is decidedly not utopian. . Agreed that most systems, specifically one of such complexity and magnitude as the world that we inhabit, can be bettered infinitesimally slowly, they are asymptotic in a sense. . . The idea is right, the implementation can be bettered. .

For example, i have drunk chaas, (or buttermilk) at prices of Rs 5 per glass and Rs 100 per glass( same goes for Dosas, lemon juice and everything else under the sun) and frankly i don't see the difference in quality, or ambience or whatever the hell else that causes the difference in price. . .

Now people may argue that this is far from being a true example of my point . . agreed. . i'm leading somewhere. . . It is true that people pay for what they want, and not for what they deem, 'not worth it', but it is also true that the head of a particular industry decides how much his workers labour is worth and how much his capital, or strategy or business acumen is worth. . Who can decide how much each of those things is worth ? Shouldn't these parameters have suitably defined price tags? When something is sold @ raw material + production process + workers skill+ managers managerialness + supermanager's . . . ad infinitum + capital + blah blah. . .Who is to say that the worker isn't paying more for his own skill on the product, than he was paid for it in the first place ??

Also, on the socialist side of things, it is an open secret that a lot of money disappears in transit and that sometimes, whole policies of social upliftment and redistribution of wealth are nepotist and hyper-politically motivated



There is a better way. . . I intend to find it :D

PS: Wish me luck

PPS: Lots of it !!

Imagery Orgy

A house. . . on the side of a hill made of red rock, dusty and sparsely dotted with green. . . . A river at the bottom sparkling and clear.. . . . A thicket of trees on the other bank, stretching for miles, as far as the eye can see, and almost as far as the mind can imagine. . . . A few miles in the distance,on the same side of the river, a farmhouse, full of cows and sheep, dogs and ducks.. . . men tossing hay and matronly women bustling around, throwing corn to the hens, meat to the dogs and turning a side of bacon on the stove. . . The bacon sizzles, the smell wafting out of the window, floating for miles, hitting the nose of a vagabond. . . . He closes his eyes, inhales deeply and grasps his guitar. . . His fingers move on the fretboard, almost as if controlled by some magic. .. the notes ring through the air. . . A dog, hot in pursuit of a rabbit, pauses and cocks his head. . .He whines in pleasure. . . . The rabbit escapes. . . .running into a hole. . . His whiskers quivering, he continues to run, his heart beating faster than his feet., his ears pressed against his head. . .



He jumps out of the hole, still nervous. . . but now convinced that the danger is past. . . He runs through the underbrush, and emerges into a clearing. . . .Surrounded on all sides by trees, one gets the eerie feeling that, any moment now, faeries will emerge from the forest laughing and carrying tankards of pink lemonade(or prosecco(couldn't decide !)) and chocolate filled cookies. . .. There are a couple of dandelions on the floor.... . . 1 o' clock ! 2 o' clock ! 3 o' clock! and all the seeds are off . . . . One of them, goes higher than the rest . . . buffetted by the winds. . . Suddenly, a bird swoops towards it, with every intention to seek and destroy ( and not recon and report !) The seed floats a bit lower, as if afraid (but actually it's the pressure change, due to the bird's dash in the seed's direction !!) It's fears (!) are however dissipated, as another bird, swoops upon the former . . . In the ensuing struggle, the seed floats lower and lower, escaping attention and capture. . . .

Lower and lower it goes, till it falls into a river. . . floating gently on the surface. . . . it travels further downstream and gets stuck in some black sticky substance. . . . Industrial effluents, the waters almost scream. . . Dead fish. . . . Birds with their wings stuck. . .Squawking angrily, and flapping desperately. . . A young girl with braces and pigtails looks at the river in astonishment, her eyes widening under her thick spectacles. . . She takes some pictures and starts scribbling in a little notebook she has with her. . . The chemical plant is at the edge of a big town. . . People are walking about on the town square, some of them yawning and rubbng their eyes, The sunny cobbled streets take one back in time, to a time that was less complicated, more simple. . . more happy even, one would think. . . But then the grass is always greener. . . .

Somewhere above, one sees a man with a grey beard and oval spectacles in rumpled grey nightclothes peering through a telescope. . . He looks vaguely familiar. . . The telescope shows him a house. . . . on the side of a red rocky hill near a river. . . .The curtains of the upper room are thrown open . . .


The man in the bed, groans. . . A cool soft hand touches him on the cheek. . . . He smiles and looks through his lashes to see it. . .an angel framed by a forest on the opposite bank of a glittering river of gold. . . . . . . . .


I wake up . . . . . .


Damn !


PS: Damnation !

PPS: **Tantrum **

And it rained ......

It's raining......I mean it was raining..But i had thought of writing something when it was raining...so for a minute... close your eyes....and let your mind go back to today morning......It's pouring outside.....and i sit in a squishy brown armchair with a laptop, a cup of coffee and marshmallows ( the ones shaped like animals) looking pensively into the screen of my computer......the steam rising from my coffee and all the while, in the background.....is the rain......
In reality..it's night, i sit on a hard backed chair with nothing to heat, working at a desktop, the desk for which, is broken and creaking ominously..and..I hate hot drinks and marshmallows......(Is what i did above common, or just common to me ???...the bubble popping, I mean.....Do get back to me on that one....)

And yet....every time it rains...the very image i have described above pops into my mind...and i feel at the same time..comfortable,nostalgic and very, very sad.....as if i had suffered some great loss.....The rain has that funny effect on me : Whenever the sky gets overcast,i go sit near the window with a blanket. . .and almost instantaneously my mind starts wandering.....I feel lethargic,... almost depressed....Now, by nature i am ever happy go lucky and infuriatingly optimistic...in fact if i was a girl in a novel...I would've been either dead or dying of a serious disease...(I apologise if anyone found that allusion uncalled for...that's how the crime novelists play on your emotions...It's always the good who die young....) Only the rain can make me so depressed and sluggish that i start reading The Hardy Boys again to avoid any possible mind work......Immediately my mind thinks mutton pattices....lots and lots of mutton pattices...my mouth start watering..and unconsciously i start rubbing my hands together...partly out of excitement and partly to keep them warm....Some days..I sit on a comfy chair or my chaise longue with a quilt keep some munchies at hand and reread enid blyton......

Yes...Rain....by contrast creates comfort(the actual word for this case should be comfiness :P :P) in my mind...I imagine myself in several different places...On the top of a mountain in a Log cabin with a fire crackling at my feet ( and some method of adding fuel that did not involve my getting up...or moving a muscle for that matter... :P), in a house on the top of a hill, in a room made completely of glass and a quilt so thick the princess wouldn't feel the pea....., in an indian railway train with their meagre bedding and atrocious air conditioner... curling up into a warm ball for warmth......scrunching up my toes and rubbing the soles of my feet together.......
I find myself..sometimes in the future and sometimes the past.......Seeing a child huddled inside a blanket....or sometimes a grown man...The blanket is never big enough.......but i still try to curl up and stay all warm.......

And sometimes...I just go out to bathe in the rain.........'

What about you ???

PS: Brrrrrrr.......Wish i had a bath tub....or even better....a jacuzzi......

PPS: Aaah.......

PPPS: **Warmth**

PPPPS: Hey ! go back into your own fantasy !!

The battle for staccato

Staccato...the Western Music Club of IIT Bombay......A society so secret and exclusive...it makes the Skull and Bones and the Illuminati look like Gujratis with aVengaboyz CD and a 5.1 surround sound stereo system (No offense meant :P)Started more than 10 years ago,though this time may seem short for ordinary mortals.....the Members of this Club have succeeded in secretly spreading their message all over the campus ( How ? When ? What ?Where ? By whom ?) ....How am I telling you this ? Aah...THis Club...This Society....is facing a great crisis of Faith.....The doors are Open...but will close fast...With most of the influential members gone onwards.....we have a void, where once there were jumping flames, squealing purple sparks and supermegaawesome explosions in a black darkness( or a dark blackness..one of the two....dunno which).Below, i narrate to you the story of this institution within an institution within an institution..( all in all institution appears 32 times..Circles within circles....and all that..it's quite confusing....but i'm pretty sure that no 2 circles are identical (in purpose i mean...and not members :P :P))

I will tell you the story, or as much i know of it, for no member except the grand Gaxl Rorryson ( And i don't know who he is) knows it all.....

Staccato is the western music club of IIT Bombay. THe other club is Saaz( founded in 2005), for Indian Music club....After years of a Staccato hegemony over the Music Scene of the Institute, some 'Gaya*se Pu**ies' broke off and formed Saaz....The new Club, immediately began a Populist Agenda to win over funds, audience and chicks.....and succeeded, albeit partially ( :P)
Also in view of the insti Polt(Political....Sucking up, Bootlicking...(I have other Synonyms too..if u need 'em !!)) scene, Saaz became very important as their populist agenda won them a lot Of Matka (PostGrad'Mtech' students) support...
Note: Matkas form a large percentage of the Student population, but are completely uninterested in institute elections...so Infy ( infinite ) Polt......
These are 2 reasons that, Experts suggest led to the marginalization of Staccato....But some think otherwise...Some say...it was a clever Staccato ruse to misdirect atttention away from the club, after the Great Disaster( That which must not be mentioned (oops) .....If this is true...Then they succeeded.....beyond their wildest dreams....Staccato was pushed ( or slunk) into the darkness( or blackness), free to continue their work, unhindered and unstoppable......

Whatever the reasons were, this much is true that Staccato is a highly exclusive Club, secretive to say the least..While some cover meetings are held in the SAC ( students activity centre ) conference room..All the actual work happens in Ye Olde Pub ( In Dehanti this means Sunny...and translated into hindi....Sip and Dine...)The meetings take place so randomly, to an outsider they may seem to be spontaneous and random, but legend has it that the Gaxl Rorryson( CSE department) created a complex algorithm to produce the dates of the meeetings in advance for the next 2 millenia.....The amount of liquor consumed at such a meeting is astonishing, so much so, that it seems like a party...but the Staccatoes ( as they hate to be called) have a remarkable alcohol tolerance level....Not only that..they even act drunk, but it is all a cover for the most dastardly plans imaginable....

What, you ask me....what could be their motive....What is their plan, What is their Goal.....?
It is the elimination of non-music, as they call it....The Staccatoes have compiled a list of 2653 genres of non-music..(as they call it) that they wish to eradicate from IIT Bombay and perhaps, (a bit non realistically), the World.....

How ? you ask me...am i revealing all this....braving the metallic slasher wielding rock demons ( :P :P) that are at Staccato's command..... Well...That is the true story....The fall of staccato....and the upcoming battle.....

Last year ...Batthal, Akhil,Chinmay and Manjan were some of the very top echleon members of the Society who went onwards...This year the echleon is further depleted by an even greater number...Babban, Saurav,Hymen,JD and Sajid......Even Dhruv...one of the last senior Staccatoes....has been sent overseas to claim the Swiss shores......With these greats gone....the forces of staccato are vulnerable and open to attack and even.....even annexation.......

Over the years several members of the Music community chose to play non music ( excluded on the basis of language or genre) along with the true music....These members(The Fallen), notwithstanding their calibre and force of darkness......found themselves tainted forever....forced to stay on the fence, never accepted as a true member ........Some of these Greats like Kolte, Devang, Sophie and Swadesh are also leaving our number...thus leaving no real power in the fray...

NOW, it is time for battle.......Kovid, Gaddam,Kataria, Avinash, Kritin... The descendents of the Fallen, stand neutral as the multiple factions battle it out in a single desperate attempt to take over a dark black, yet glorious society...

We have the moderates....students of Dhruv's batch who felt that though the society has the correct aim..it's methods aren't true and good.(Kothi, Sathe !!)...They don their armor to fight for the defending team....Fighting with them are countless freshmen and sophomores who came to iit to find...finally..inclusion in exclusion....These metal heads are not, perhaps true members but desperation calls and the enemies of one's enemy are friends.....

The other factions are small and varied...yet alliances may make them strong....and 'Wuss up'(as Stacatoes say) the two great battles ...that of AD and Unplugged.....

The acoustics...who play super mild insipid stuff on non electric guitars.....the punk rebels...who know one thing about music...'If the distortion is on, it punks !!!' The new agers....who believe in the power of fusion...of battle through entwining harmonies.....and....the girls...This year due to some OSSUM strategy ...( what say Uttam ? :P) a band of freshmen ( hmmmm :P) girls was formed, which further inspired several others to join the fray....And last but definitely not the least....there is Saaz.... their traditional rivals.....If the legend about the Staccato misdirection strategy back in the 2005's was true...then their biggest rival may well be their biggest ally...But somehow ...i don't think so...




By the way...I am a Saaz Convener....


FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM !!!


PS: This is loosely based on true events....All names and descriptions are also caricatures....

PPS: No offfense meant......

PPPS: I LOVE THE BACKSTREET BOYS !!!!!

PPPPS : FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM !!!

In the beginning there was a cliche....

I am filled with a sudden urge to write.......I usually don't start off like this...In my experience...it is a precursor of
a) pure nonsense....(writing.....just that..arbitrariness(which wouldn't be incongruous come to think of it )
OR
b)something about responsibilities and ambitions, birds soaring in the sky unfettered and free and meanings of life....

Now don't get me wrong...i have done plenty of the latter...and indulge once in a while in the former( kind of like marijuana ?(Joking mom... !!)(i see a full fledged analogy here..satya ! :P))But coming back to why i don't start off like this.....i see that my explanation would lead to an indepth critique of society ( which will still be very superficial and kiddish) and conformism and rebellion as conformism and rebellion against 'rebellion as conformism' and so on in an infinite loop...It's like trying to second guess someone...You stand at a buffet and are about to take a plate when you wonder which one of them is most likely to be clean...the top one..naah..someone will have touched it..But what if someone who is a level 2 finick (second guessing someones second guess) was before you..then you have a problem...because you have just pushed that first domino and now you are dealing with infinitely many infinity level finicks and finally you pick the 3rd plate...because
a) you are hungry AND
b) you like the number three

Well, now i've digressed completely..Leaving you to wonder where we started.....don't worry...
a bit of a detour.... actually i got lost...Still don't know where this is supposed to be heading...but i'm sure if i keep going on i'll find something interesting....
Awkward Pause........

well...uhmm...ahem...some water maybe...sniff sniff....gargle....
( i love this part !!)
My two favourite topics : Love and Societyissoscrewedup are probably overdone by now ...Hell who am i kidding...they're like...burnt to a crisp...and are now..pure carcinogen...(apparently all the black burnt spots on chapatis, papads and tandoor cooked food are carcinogenic :P)

Even more awkward Pause....

Sorry was just checking my old posts to see what i had already written about so that those that have been following my stuff regularly (oh ha ha...:P) wouldn't get bored....
Anyway....
i remember saying something about success and then leaving off without having said anything...it was quite funny ...do go and read it....( useless, but very very persistent (!!) advertisement ....as only someone reading this will be part of my affected audience !! :P :P) and it strikes me.. that it's a very nice topic to write on..Lot's of twists and turns...no universally accepted funda...so generally scope for bullshittin...

There's this song..'American Dream' by switchfoot(the song's brilliant too http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14dWpg-sNPE), whose lyrics talk about success being equated with excess..and i thought....hey that's an interesting idea....and more or less universally accepted too...I mean...how often do you hear a fat guy in a furry robe and a mustache waddling around in a plush living room with a fireplace(which is even funnier...cause most of the time..this guy's an indian, and we sure as hell (!!!!!!!) don't need fireplaces ! ), looking kinda like a walrus...only not cute...saying.. "I have more money than i need(in hindi !)" Yup..A lot of people think that excess is succes...But then.. when i think about what i want from life...Interesting, stimulating work, friends and love.....I imagine having all these in excess.......and i go all.. Blah..boink ...BooYa...Wacka wacka.........Yadda Yadda...........

It would get real damn confusing and screwed up.....I mean...in that sense we do know what success is..It is having enough.... :P Or rather not wanting more.......In that sense...The Buddha was right...It follows logically...that if one doesn't want for anything..,,,he/she has enough...and is therefore successful.......But then...that's circular...cause success, in the broader..'son..be successful' sense of the word is defined as having enough..so back we are at the beginning...wishing....If only i am satisfied with what i have.... ! Though we don't think of it in those terms... :P
Truth is, we can never be satisfied...cause it is human nature to try and satisfy everyone....Like the story of the father, son and donkey...They were walking back home and some passersby said how stupid they were not to ride the donkey.The father told the son to sit on the donkey...Passersby commented on how the cruel young son was making his father walk while he rode the donkey.When the father sat..people said how the poor son was made to walk by his heartless father...they both climbed onto the donkey and people felt bad for the donkey...Finally they started carrying the donkey, and were adjudged mad.......

This is our fate.....By striving to please everyone, we end up going mad...Of course..it is a parable and as parables go..it's an exaggerated analogy...but it's not far from the truth...We do try to please everyone and we do go mad....
My advice...Do what you want, screw the rest...And success...well..Success is happiness.....It is making the most of what one has, being reconciled to the fact that not everyone is going to think so and not caring anyway.....

PS: But, recursively...some people are happy because someone else is happy...and therefore their opinion would matter to them....Therefore...excess is definitely not success !!!

PPS: Preach Preach Preach Yak Yak Yak....

PPPS:The recursion could also lead to a nasty loop if two people find happiness(rate of increase of.... rather) in each others happiness....if both have happiness equal to zero before this...Otherwise...with a positive value for happiness, it could lead to infinite happiness(impossible !!)...implies....
DON"T BELIEVE HIM/HER WHEN HE/SHE SAYS THAT..... !!!

(F)Art of living !!

Cliches....It once struck me that every good write up will have at least one cliched sentence.....And that cliche.....will be in it's perfect place...That every great writer will know this one thing...where to use a cliche.....or rather...one who knows this will always be a good writer/story teller.....Think carefully ....and you will see it too...How the most cliched thing said at the right time....has the effect it had the first time..with the added advantage that it strikes a familiar note ....making it not alien ...and hence the person becomes more receptive to the narrative...becomes more happy with it's creator......

Life.....(i'm wondering if my readers (note..the infinite paradox) have tired of this one yet ...?))Aah...just that one word....brings to mind...a young man lying down in a field looking at the stars and wondering......a middle aged woman standing in the middle of a busy street or a crowded railway station looking around her at the infinitely many people she sees, or an old couple sitting on their porch watching their(...not a typo !) sun set..... All of them....Sighing.......

We think of those moments when we are really, truly alive...when we wonder ...why we are here...and what exactly it is that we are to do with this 'life' of ours.....when for one moment...we stop and wonder, why we are running hither thither..pretending that we have goals.... and meaning..... and motives..... We stop....and for one moment we realise that we don't know what we want......And then....we sigh.....

In general, i have seen ( and further deduced from my..uhh... ..seeing !!) that people generally life their lives from short term goal to short term goal...... choosing a path and then optimising minor factors in that way of life...to suit themselves....I say...why not choose a perfect path....Most people give very little thought to what they want out of life.....Most people....i agree...do not get the chance.....Necessities of food, clothing and shelter, and upgrades of the same ( !!!!) occupy our minds to an almost parasitic extent.......Unless you are at a certain standard of living..... you 'need' to keep upgrading...to climbing....That much ....everyone will agree on.....but..what is this level.....how much comfort does one really need ? When does need turn into want...quietly, smoothly , almost slyly....fooling us into believing that we need the better couch....or the LCD screen TV.... or the 64 GB ipod touch....How does one know.....??

These question trouble me.....I am 19.With 2 years of graduate school left....I am nearing 'flying the nest time' Very soon...I will be on my own......Don't get me wrong..it's natural..In fact i wouldn't have it any other way......It's scary...but exciting...The questions are troubling...but indeed intriguing at the same time...they scream to be answered.....And i scream back....(as of now....just profanities....but ....very soon...!!)So i start thinking...and what with my exceedingly egomaniacal( Peter griffin would've screamed out loud....(Pardon me...but i consider 'Family Guy' to be an essential part of today's youth culture....!!)) nature....writing !! What would comprise a good life... a happy life...

First of all....One must have a goal......that much is clear....Whatever that goal maybe....it should seem like a lifetime's work at the time of goal-choosing....and till it's achievement should be the guiding factor in all decisions one makes.Also it must be something close to one's heart.....so as to make life meaningful......to give it purpose.....

Secondly.....To live one must have money.....therefore one must work.....( unless of course one has some steady source of income....!!!! Hurrah !!) and since work would generally take up a substantial part of one's day...it should be something one is interested in....and it should produce enough money for one to live on...( start off by considering one's parents'; or rather childhood standard of living( since one is accustomed to it))

Thirdly one must have a hobby (or more than one) different from one's goal....for you always tire of a thing, sooner or later......Something to turn to when bored or frustrated with one's goal......

Next, one must have a confidante.... someone to confide in, when you are tired, worried, sad happy or angry....Because every person loves to give vent to stuff...thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions etc....You need someone to hear you out...to listen and nod comfortingly....someone to support you and yet someone who will not deceive you even if it is to try to 'protect' you from the world......

Further...you need someone to confide in you(Oftentimes this will be your confidante...but that is not necessary..) It does not matter if the person does not think of you as a 'confidante'....you have to think that he/she is .....that's all..(It's like everyone needs to be loved...but also needs to love...both functions are essential....and hence..to confide and to be confided in are essential to life....)

Finally...your confidante, like your goal, need not be boredom-proof..so you need friends...

Once you have a system in place..then you test it ( It's better to do this in your mind !!...) Experiment with your goal and your standard of living..your hobbies and your free time....your confidante and your friends......and try to get an optimum.....
The possibilities are infinite... One's system may change from time to time...but it's always good to have one at all points of time.....

Well....try my system out...if it works...well i'll don saffron robes and grow a beard (Damn !!).....

PS: How good was my cliche placement ??

PPS:Like skeletor promised.....I'm back !!!

PPPS: Missing a confidante !!!

PPPPS: Or wait...yeah...i confide in everybody.......

All around the mulberry bush....and POP !

One of the questions that has been troubling us since the emergence of philosophy and that almost everybody has an opinion on (which more or less qualifies it as a topic for my blog..I mean people who i can show up.....AND people will care..what else could i want) is the one about ethics....People have always judged their lives ( and more often !!) the lives of others, comparing it to some divine ideal....What is good and what is bad....And is the intention what matters or the actual effects caused by your actions ?

ABBTMS(almost the beginning but technically a Mid Post):Yes..Once more..i have managed to select a very difficult question that the whole world has been trying to solve ( unsuccessfully !) for centuries..And once more, by sheer 'beating around the bush'....well actually...revolving about it at a high speed and holding out a stick, whose length is the radius of my orbit minus the length of my outstretched arm....( Yes..i am a techie...They don't call it IIT for nothing...)i will manage to wriggle out and still appear to be a very deep, philosophical, mature individual...while i'm actually...a childish,impulsive,mad person..who writes ABBTMS's in his blogs...!!!

Well...First of all...The question about good and bad has been answered sufficiently well in the book 'Shantaram' by a character called Abdel Khader Khan..He tells the narrator that Whenever one is confused about good and bad one must ask oneself...'If everyone did this..would it lead to a better world ?' and decide accordingly...But of course...there are problems with this understanding...First of all, for the analysis to be exact, all the people should be playing exactly the same part in exactly the same scenario...And in most cases, this is impossible practically..Some situations...in fact the most difficult ones to analyze...are isolated ones that very few people will ever be a part of....Secondly..Most of the times..It is the degree of good and bad that we are analysing and all things are clearly not black or white....In most everyday situations our dilemmas are of the second kind....Where the effect on the world of 2 slightly differing alternatives as performed by everyone in the world must be considered...and that ...is difficult if not impossible..In the more 'Ethical code red' scenarios,the situation is of the first kind, where khan's analysis is absurd....(Statistics will tell you that whenever we are talking about rare situations..data generation is a problem ( because of the rarity) and hence so is prediction...and this is somewhat my point)

But anyway, theories is what we want and not real life solutions..Most people have a good enough ( !!) ethical code that they use as a standard...so what we are actually looking for is a hard and fast rule, a formula.... just to have fun..It's good to know that there is a solution, even if it is impractical and insoluble...It makes us feel safe...that there is some logic, some order beyond things, something that we can understand and react to....
But enough of this armageddonry and chaos rumor mongering( enough for now that is....:P)..I'll proceed to the next section....Intention...

Sometimes, even though our intentions are good, we see that factors beyond our control( or so we think..(If my blog had a theme music...i would play the dark,sinister, 'potential of doom' one form the previous paragraph)) make the effects of our actions bad...( with respect to the 'no action taken' scenario)...This is seen most commonly in slapstick comedy cinema, where, in the middle of a fight, the clumsy henchman waits with a club to hit some one from the opposite side, but ends up hitting 'the boss'( typically bollywood, though hollywood does it's fair bit too)What really matters here, the intention....or the actual actions ?
One one hand, if something bad happens, then the action should be termed bad, for intentions, like potential ( which i ranted about in my second blog) do not affect the world, and hence should not feature in any judgment...On the other hand, how is a person supposed to know the exact effect of his action..With so many factors variable, each one affecting the outcome in a totally different manner, how can one judge...Moreover, how does one judge whose ( why isn't who's used ??!! :P)
action it was that actually caused the outcome...I mean..Petrol being dropped carelessly near a pile of paper and the careless throwing of a cigarette ( in this case, none of the actions are voluntary..but it makes my point) both could contribute to a massive fire, but which one's responsible ?? Also if a person analyses something less than another, is he bad ? Is stupidity a crime ??


In my opinion, Intentions should be used to judge people, for they are a measure of inherent goodness of people, just as potential is a measure of their, well ...potential(:P)(The two judgments are exact analogues..)

Anyway...there...i got away clean..


PS: That was good !

PPS: I'm reading Simone de Beauvoir's 'The Second Sex' and progressing (surprisingly) well.....So stay tuned for some posts on women..

PPPS: I dunno why i said that..'Cause i like to brag( Oh..I read 'serious literature', or 'cause i was too excited about a pending post on 'la femme'....

PPPPS: More of the latter though..the former could have been done on several other occasions....

PPPPPS : Like that one...:P

BFF !!

"I confess....I have wronged you...I should've ...i know...I should've done it a long time ago....Please....Give me one chance..A day's time to make amends. I am, but human.I forgot...." I cowered, tail between legs, whimpering.....
Lockjaw growled......He looked at me with a snarl on his face, the discolouration on his face all the more out of place, unnerving....scary even...Then he stepped back, muscles no longer tense...turned away.....and loped off......
I heaved a sigh of relief.....I knew it had been a big blunder and a narrow escape.How could I have forgotten...All along ...i had been looking at the big picture.....and had forgotten about the small things...the things that really mattered...I had made the crass error of forgetting to write about dogs on my blog (snigger)? And now it had come back to bite me in the butt ( literally !! as it has been all along ( fooled ya !!))
Anyway 'lockjaw' exists..He lives in hostel 9, iit bombay...He's completely white except for a brown patch that covers one of his eyes ( and a bit on his back)....His 'best pal in the whole world' is twyster....who's a mixture of brown and black is constantly twisting and turning in ecstasy.....( at least that's the only way i've seen him.....I'm told...he paints a different picture in my absence ....)Also...another fella that stays with them is silky...(recently named) who's got the most awesome coat....but is really too in love with me....He( or she....really not gone there :P) looks to conserve the number of scratches on my body at each of our encounters....which makes me heave a sigh of relief that swarsandhya's over....( let it suffice that during swarsandhya times...i would have to keep going to hostel nine...)Anyway...coming back to lockjaw...he's probably one of my favourite dogs in the universe( about a billion of those..) He's got an awesome set of teeth and his comical half and half face is like a naughty little pirate's( yes....i know ..i'm beginning to sound like a doting mother in english cinema or Enid blyton...!!!) and his bark..! Oh ! it's truly amazing...Loud and sharp..It's a true 'Arf' not a wussy' wuff' or a girly ' yip yip'....By god man, when he barks...i am tempted to throw my bag off ( yes...sigh...still attending classes...) and run beside him...barking for joy...
Then there's simba....who slept in my ( 'and mine 'Says Dk indignantly) room for nearly a year, would pee sometime during the night, then shake himself( uuurggh) dry and then proceed to another spot....iteratively !!.....Now, he's a fat piggy( bad dog !!) fellow, who's nevertheless adorable ( and i mean A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E) with his sniffling and purring( i swear....)Also there's 'THe Godfather' who's a huge solemn kinda dog...trotting along sedately with his entourage....very much acting the rightful part of the ex-alphamax dog....
A comic pair is that of 'Divyanshu'( named after his yellow ochre coat and it's similarity to a filthy shirt that a friend owns and loves...and wears...too much), a tiny foxy and infinitely spirited dog who's never, ever backed away from a fight and maintains that all of the institute is rightfully his and he works to that end...drinking maybe 10 litres of water a day ( :P) and 'Sharky', who's a big broad faced, short snouted dog, who loves me so much, he tries to rip my hand to shreds every time he sees me.....Their 'playful' banter( comprising mostly snarls and growls) is a must watch .....
I could go on and on about the dogs i've known...'Buck'( of 'The call of the wild' fame), Tigger( from Winnie the pooh)....several dogs called 'Mangy' ( !!!!), my aunt's dogs Goldy, Snowy, Mowgli and Andy....My own, Tinker belle and Patch and others......but then, that would take a lifetime.....and i wouldn't want to do injustice to any of them....or they'd just come after me...like Lockjaw.....
Mark twain said that 'If you take a dog off the streets, feed him and take care of him, then he will not bite you.....and That is the chief difference between a dog and a man...'It is true, that dogs are loyal...But even more basic to their nature is love....All they want is love....They ask nothing form you....but love...Dogs who i've never ever fed food follow me for miles.... jumping with joy everytime they see me... They follow me , through several unfriendly territories....and fight through the hostel 6 dog defenses..to come right upto my room......And these are dogs i've known for a year or more.....I might've fed them three or four times...but the dedication and love they have for me is far beyond the imagination of any human being....They gain nothing from me....Nothing at all.....No stimulating conversation, no favours, just my company....just that...

I never believed in love...I thought it to be impractical....I was asked by a friend, whether i could imagine a loved one, completely crippled and having lost control over all thought and speech..He asked if i could love them, just for them...I replied that maybe the memories of good times spent together would create such a 'love'...He said that i was stalling..that i knew what he was talking about...I thought for a moment and replied....No...It's impossible....I mean..if a person can't think and speak..is he still that same person...that person you once were friends with ??Can love be ...just arbitrary...as a reaction to love ??.....I had answered in the negative then.....but now that i think about it...i was wrong....It would be a great disrespect to my friends.....the furry ones .....It would be a total disregard of the principle that their lives are based on....that love can be reciprocated by just love....and nothing else....In their company....i feel human......
PS: And no...i didn't forget Tuffy...My...dog....my brother....my friend...He's the sweetest, most loving creature i've ever met....Stayed with me and followed me along for more than a year.... Haven't seen him for ages...Wherever he is, i hope he's happy....And yeah...ALL Dogs go to heaven !!
PPS: Ditto for you tigger...
PPPS: Damn...i did it again :P
PPPPS: Woof !!

More Angst

As usual...I am writing something....but instead of getting to the point directly...i love to beat around the bush...wander here and there....blow a little bubblegum balloon now and then.....then maybe try to lick my elbow (and i swear ...i have once licked ketchup off it...) ..flex my muscles a bit and suck my tummy in...and put on a face that makes me look constipated and rather like Solomon grundy (http://marvel.com/ Awesome site) than Superman.......and then sometimes i ease into the topic rather elegantly....and sometimes i just come straight out and break the fourth wall (or it's literary analogue....) and introduce the topic..Sometimes i am actually confused about what my topic will be ...and am actually stalling....and thinking at the same time...about what i should write....And actually that's what life is....

(:P)What are we doing with our lives...I mean does anyone have even the slightest idea....or are we just 'err'ing and 'hmmm'ing and waiting for the recess bell to ring ?? I mean, sure, we have goals and stuff...I wanna be rich or famous or change the world ( among the most ambitious and wholesome...) ...But does anyone ever really think about when he will be on his deathbed thinking...."What the hell...Why ?"..." Why did i just go through life...and Why did i just do all that stuff ...Most of it would've made no sense even then, even if i had tried to think about it...."...I mean i'm not talking about very 'high brow' ( and according to me ..more or less meaningless) stuff like 'Why are we here?' ...but rather.... about how we life on a very small scale....making choices that seem right at the time..but are orthogonal or sometimes anti parallel( couldn't help it :P ) to what our final aim is....We should really think about what we want to do ...with life....not in life...but what would be a near perfect scenario that we could live in indefinitely.....Of course what we want to do may change...but our decisions at each point of time ( wait for it... wait for it....) should leave us pointing in the direction of our instantaneous life goal vector ( !!!!! :P)
I know myself that my life goal has changed several times...oscillating, though not simple harmonically, between 3-4 options...but i always make decisions keeping it in mind...And it's worked for me...Of course the relation may not be causal...But at least ill be more like, " I'm dumb !", on my deathbed( at worst) rather than " What the f**k"....(At best)......

Going into the specifics...

A lot of people do a lot of stuff just because it's cool, or because everyone's doing it.....All their lives..all their decisions are made on the basis of social norms..While this may be a safe route in some cases ( and sometimes that's even the motive) many times people just want to be accepted by everyone..they want to be part of a group....I see obvious examples of this everyday and there are definitely others that are subtler...."Why ?" Once....Ask yourself this....How many people out of those are such that you actually care about their opinion..Why is it that if 200 fools get together....they become some super intelligent entity ?....Why do we let out lives be dictated by people who have no stake in it ? We want to play it safe...and we want assurance and acceptance..For once..grow a pair.....Do what YOU think is right ....

I remember reading in 'Chicken soup for a soul' about this kid who once made fun of a girl that other kids always used to make fun of 'cause she used to wear old fashioned clothes..And he says how he regrets to this day,that he did it..In fact...'The Chicken Soup' series has many examples of such confessions where people have regretted stuff they did long ago due to societal pressure.....In this case the result...was a (painful) twinge of regret about not having done the right thing...but in some cases it will be about life changing decisions...and that...is something you do not want to regret......

PS: 'Conformity Is A Disease And Rebellion Is The Cure': I once had a Tshirt that said this..At the time i wore it cause it was anti-establishment and cool...( sigh...the irony...) but now....well...i wish i still had it...

PPS: By the way...i remember asking if my posts were too preachy and pedantic....Yup..they are !!!!

PPPS: Chicken soup is Awesome !!!( both for the stomach and the soul !)

PPPPS: Re: the title...Remember...'Tell me why',' More tell me why','Still more tell me why','Here's more tell me why' and the like.....Well....stay tuned :P

Face off !

DISCLAIMER : The following..uh..(write up...article..rant......) thing is very cynical and was conceptualised in a moment of extreme frustration and disgust.... Feelings like these often flare up arbitrarily...with no obvious reason...Something snaps and the facade of the calm,smiling,sophisticated person that you pretend to be, maybe even thought you were suddenly falls away...leaving you angry, disgusted,ashamed at yourself....Then you think, analyse, reason and go looking for the facade....telling yourself never to be spontantaneous or genuine ( couldn't find a thrid adjective here, sorry !! :P) ever again....At least it happens to me...And...like most things...these feelings are considered to be a sign of extreme weakness by some and that of extreme moral strength by others....After the moment has passed i thought about it and realised that things weren't as bad as i had once imagined them to be...but still felt that those thoughts were true enough to deserve lasting (though how lasting i cannot say !!) mention....so here goes...optimists beware...you have been warned...

My literature (or rather 'approaches to literature' as he would prefer to be called..and i understand fully and sympathise with him on that point) prof. once mentioned in class that someone or the other had said that all our life's a drama...it's a role we're playing..fully mindful of the audience and their reactions.....( and no..it's not'All world's a stage' that's by shakespeare and i know that.... XP)And i was like...was he the one they executed....( i mean..obviously i didn't say that but..i definitely thought that..( actually i didn't even think that..but hey..it's a really cool thing to say..!))And that statement really hit me....Not because it was something new..because such ideas..(of intense anger at the world and self righteousness and blah blah blah..) frequently occupy my mind...(self righteousness...blah blah blah indeed !!!) and not because it was a very smart way of putting it....but because sometimes....you have a large bloody pile of dynamite and all it takes is some small stupid spark...And it's happened with me several times... ideas and feelings that have been in you for a long time come bursting out as reactions to very strange and extremely arbitrary incidents....And then there's no wondering....'how the hell ?' but only the boom...Thoughts, feelings and ideas come rushing at you and you feel irrationally sad or happy or scared or ..as in this case...(and i think i said this before :P) angry, disgusted and ashamed......
(MS: If people accuse me of being verbose.....i plead guilty.. and it's fun...I mean i could write everything that i want to say about an idea in one sentence which would run to about 3-4 lines...but without the analogies and the rants and the infinite brackets and the :P's.... it's no fun....don't you agree ??!)

Well now that i've finished digressing ...(at least for now) i'll get back to what i was really emotional and all 'angry,disgusted and ashamed' about (was being the operative word... obviously !!)It's this world...and the way it's turned out....Your always playing a character...judging the reactions of others, changing your story...adding a bit to it, trimming some,lopping some off.....Sweet talking, fake laughing, up sucking (!!) and generally behaving in a way that would dry up an amazed(awestruck rather..) crocodile's tears.... And that's just the dark side....Every moment we say something we're thinking about how people would judge us based on what we just said....they're thinking the same..only they're also thinking about how their judgements would represent their biases and prejudices ..and how they would wish to appear before the world( some biases are cool you see...) We think about what we appear to be rather than what we are and what we should be( and yes..i do believe that there is some idea..foggy(very very...) though it may be...of an ideal we should strive to attain..)And this stunts all personal development..We live our entire lives as mere puppets in the hands of society..which in essence is the majority ( which is stupid and easily led (hint hint !!))and also largely dependent on luck..( The right or wrong set of circumstances can make or break the popularity of an idea or a movement)) and we work towards goals that society sets for us, do things that society decides are right for us and generally become robots...only (and this is doubly worse) we think that we have free will....Our mind works on an algorithm that judges the reactions to our behaviour and modifies them to conform...(nowadays it is believed (and this may be true..that rebellion is the new conformity..but that's just as bad...)
All in all we end up living not as ourselves but what the world wants us to be.....Most of our relationships are not genuine...they're means to an end...the ultimate end...recognition and approval, not by any person in particular , but by the world in general....And genuine relationships are important ..rather essential for a person's true development....And by true genuine relationships i do not mean those relationships where there is no criticism whatsoever of the other but rather where one's only reason for saying a thing is that he/she actually believes it.....And how do you decide who you can be genuine with..Well that's easy (or not..) If you are sure that the other person values genuinity (or genuineness or whatever !) then you can be genuine with him...But again, you will realise that this definition is recursive...You can be genuine if the other person wants to be genuine which in turn will happen if he knows that you want to be genuine and so on....ad infinitum...But generally things are much easier..Some rebellious (or rather non conforming..whatever that may be !) ideas ...when voiced aloud in a seemingly temporary loss of reason will be from a person who still craves genuinity in his life and there you have it... you're off....
A relationship where both participants speak their mind freely knowing that it's one person judging them...not a horde..knowing that whatever prejudices and biases that person my have...they can be argued against, for they are one man's prejudices and not a society's 'etched in stone' 'principles'....(first time..doesn't look to pretty ..but it was necessary.. !)And according to me..Marriage serves this purpose excellently , almost as if it were designed for this...Since in normal society you can't be genuine all the time and even if you're with a person with whom you do share a genuine rapport with but in the company of others you may have to say things that you would not ordinarily..but if you are alone at any time with that person you can explain things to him/her....and this particular requirement is satisfied by marriage, by design ....Therefore your best chance at a tailormade 'as perfect as it can get' genuine relationship is marriage..So choose wisely....

PS: I wanted to write another midscript but it would have been a PMS (!!! :P)
PPS: Of course, in any relationship intellectual compatiblity to some extent is essential but I'm talking about other, hidden requirements...
PPPS: Every time i wrote the word 'relationship' i felt that it would be misconstrued ....so don't !
PPPPS: IIT ( or rather any residential educational program) is an awesome breeding ground (lol) for genuine relationships (oops ...) but it doesn't last forever...People try...but the insti wised up...!!!!
PPPPPS: Oh..and yeah...It's been a long time since i posted blah blah..been busy..blah blah
PPPPPPS: :P !!