The company of myself

It just struck me, that ' People who know me in passing' probably think i'm weird. Just a half hour ago, I was walking back, just having enjoyed a Roast chicken Sub sandwich and a doughnut with cappuchino flavoured whipped cream ( Or as I would say : heaven on a plate), when I caught people giving me strange looks. One or two of those incidents may be explained away by the fact that two dogs, one huge and black, the other tiny and white, were frolicking about me, trying their utmost to rip my hand off; but I found that I was on the receiving end of the glances, even when I wasn't being followed by my personal guard.
Just the other day, I found myself, sitting alone in our large Open Air theatre, waiting for an event to start, just staring into space, and thinking about ...uhmm.well ..let's skip that, or i'll attract even more stares.Well, basically I was sitting around, when a friend called out to me, looking bemused and thoroughly amused, and asked me, what the hell I was doing. Now I agree, that with my close cropped hair, large headphones, and intentionally(or so people say) funny walk, it is likely that I paint a funny picture, but several examples have convinced me, that the common factor, is that i'm alone. That too, in very peculiar circumstances: Returning from a solitary dinner, on a friday night; in a place filled with people, all of whom I've known for a long time; between lectures in the middle of a lawn, full of people; always in situations where I would be hard pressed not to find someone to talk to.

Now, I have plenty of friends. Lord knows, I have more than i can handle. I'd probably be much better off with fewer friends, whom I was closer to, but Lord knows, that ain't possible, what with machiavelli, a general lack of genuinity and my big mouth.And that's precisely why I feel the need to be alone, with myself. To catharsize(not sure that's a word), to think, to talk freely and rearrange my thoughts. In fact, when people stare at me, I stare right back, breaking into a wide grin, once i've passed them by ( Imagine, that , the next time you see me; i guarantee it'll make you laugh :D)making up funny back stories and imaginary rendezvous for them, imagining twisted love polygons and backstabbing roommates and psychotic friends.( That too, is fun !) But apart from that, when I haven't been distracted into escapist imaginative hedonia (Yeah, It asked for that..(escapist imaginative hedonia :P)), I'm thinking...About weird stuff, i'll give you that: Of if's and but's,could's and should's, forks in time, and me.Didn't they tell you ?, Narcissus got reincarnated. ( nated...nated...nated...(Who's that ?!))

Now as you can imagine, going over one's decisions and quasi decisions is mindnumbing and disorienting. Questioning one's choices, repeatedly, torn between a Jekyll and a Hyde, kinda like the angel and devil that are shown to hover above one's left and right shoulder in several cartoons, only, none of them's really a devil or an angel in their totality.Too right. . .Mentally, it's like getting ripped to shreds by a billion different horses ( as analogous to paradigms), though only a few of the billion are really truly apparent to any one individual,( in a horrible parallel of vector summation, it is easier to comprehend 8, or 10 'equivalent horses'(:D) that are made up of the vector sums of several other horses, face it, you're ripped to shreds either way, there's no use splitting hairs..or in this case..'equivalent horses' :D) but it's fun, and satisfying. It gives you a more complete picture, even if you are denied closure most of the times.It puts a lot of things in perspective.And imagining twisted plot developments in one's starers lives is wayy more interesting than what's actually going on in their lives ( not yours..wild horses, remember !)

Basically, my point is: Solitude is essential. . To know yourself. To understand better, your decisions and those of others. And it's fun. After all, if people spend time with you, why can't you spend time with yourself ? It's second best to, if not as good as, a genuine relationship.And you don't have to share your doughnut. .. .

PS: Yeah, i'm weird...

PPS: I talk to dogs sometimes...

PPPS: Okay! i do it all the time ...