THEM

The authorities were taking no chances. There had been some volcanic activity in the area and hence the decision was taken to relocate the convicts from the island. I, as the warden was just cleaning out my office and was quite pleased at the transitional leave that I would be getting…No more surf and sand for me…I was planning to go visit my parents at their farm and was looking forward to the month’s rest…As I was winding up I spotted a box lying at the very bottom of my cupboard…Puzzled, I turned it on end and read the note stuck to it…It contained the worldly possessions of a man who had died quite some time ago, in fact just after my appointment a year ago. I had asked one of the deputies to get me an address for nearest of kin so that I could mail his possessions to them, but somehow the work had been postponed and the box lay before me, dirty and a little soggy…

I don’t know why I opened it, because normally I would have chucked it into the incinerator, but I did…I opened it…Nothing unusual...A comb, a ring with a green stone of some kind, a notebook and a silver flute that had gotten tarnished. The flute brought back my memories of the owner. Dr Lionel Armstrong, a professor of physics at some well known university, he had been sentenced to 7 years in prison for the brutal murder of his wife and her lover (same old same old…). He played the flute well and in fact, had played once at the Christmas party just after his arrival.. But in the weeks before his death, he had become increasingly withdrawn and quite different from the cheerful character that he had been. At the beginning he had shown only the smallest bit of remorse at his actions and was convinced that he had done the wrong thing, but, for the right reasons. However, in his later meetings with the psychiatrist, he had been morose and didn’t speak except to answer whatever was asked of him. A guard had mentioned that he had seen a strange fervor on the man’s face during the last week, a resolution of sorts…Naturally; I was very interested in the man’s journal, if that was what it was...

I pulled out the brown colored book. It was a diary, published on the occasion of the ‘Centenary of Physics’ and was labeled 2005…The entries however were more recent starting at the time he entered jail…

The entries for the initial months were ordinary, about people he had met and the things he had done…On the whole, he did not seem very distressed, considering he had another 6 years of confinement ahead of him. He seemed happy, talking about the books he was reading and something about a resolution to exercise. He had even enrolled for a course in spoken German. But as I continued reading his journal, the change in attitude that he had displayed in person started showing in the writings too. Below I have given excerpts from his journal... His later writing showed a fractured composition as he shifted from the mundane to the transcendental switching from one to the other as if constantly switching between doing some work and scratching body…as if compelled by some force….

THE DIARY OF LIONEL ARMSTRONG

Day 278

I am worried. For a long time I have been ignoring the thoughts and questions that plagued my head about the decision I made more than a year ago…I have convinced myself several times over that what I did was perfectly justified and that I had made the right decision and that the penance that I was undergoing and will be undergoing would absolve me of the wrong that I have done….But I have my doubts…After all if I cannot trust in the laws laid down by man ( as has been proved a countless number of times) then can I trust in the code of ethics set down by us….Am I right ?? Can I ever be sure…?

Day 282

I cant stave it away no longer …The thoughts about our asinine behavior and our even greater arrogance in failing to see our faults and decadence plague me day and night…I do not know whether to clap for joy at this freedom we have received in doing what we will or cry in pity at the trap set for us by Him….. By Them….For I do not know what is this world that we have been given…is it a boon or a test or merely bait…..?

Day 283

I think of many good reasons….Someone once said “I have such a prodigious amount of mind that it takes me a week to make it up…” This statement comes back to me now…We have been given so much that we get lost….Our capacity for logical thinking is such that a million different logical steps could follow from one given scenario and these would be equally plausible and yet…frighteningly opposed to each other in outcome and intention….We fail to see the guiding forces… fail to see that our logic means nothing, for if there is a controller then his intentions; are all that matter….

Day 307

For many days there has been peace…I am finally able to concentrate my attention on the things happening around me…on things that I can understand…I can reason out problems and understand the complex theories explained in the book that I am reading…Max Schneider’s ‘The tiny colossus’. Not exactly in my field, but hey…it’s all logic….

Day 308

Why? Why is this happening to me? It’s like a twisted mind game where my realization warrants my participation….Last night I heard them…I heard them speak to me….Praising me for having understood what I have and yet at the same time chiding me for ever having believed that I could have reasoned it out….They fight amongst themselves… They are matched in every sphere save their intention…. They drive me to a double torture... one is comprehending and debating their powerful arguments and the other is arguing my capability and right to think of these in the first place…Am I a pawn or just some lowly form of controlled intelligence…It could have been any way…either end of the spectrum….but my position in the middle of this range tortures me to unbearable limits….Please God let it stop…..Or You make it stop. One of you….

Day 309

The fight rages on in my body now...but I have noticed that if I concentrate on the normal aspects of life I can mute their voices at least to some extent….but my concentration lapses and I find myself in the midst of the fray…..as if my entire existence is being fought over but I myself can have no part in it….I am compelled to physically injure myself to stop this feeling of helplessness creep over me, tearing at one side of my body and then the other, and tearing at myself inside at whether these actions are indeed mine or just a sideshow in the main game…..

Day 310

The guards took away my food plate and fork…It seems that I ripped my body to shreds with it last night….By just concentrating on the enragement at my privileges being taken away I can keep myself sober enough to write this….for it is a drunken state that I am in…..drunk with realization….the realization that there is nothing to realize….it is like being fed a series of commands…

Day 312

Today I had some respite….I had a fight with some guards and it was during this fight that my mind could actually think for it’s own reason by itself, not being forced to listen to the arguments…..I realized that our ethics may be flawed….that we can never really believe anything…no rigid definitions…..no theories, no arguments…For example, I realized that if 2 tennis players always served an ace to their opponents during a match, the viewer watching that match only and that too for the first time…would believe that there is no service that isn’t an ace…If this is true…then why isn’t it possible that our world is merely a one time tennis game, with the masters serving aces to each other….cleverly executing every move to perfection…thus forcing us to believe that those were the only moves that could be played…

Day 316

I am bleeding badly and was in the solitary confinement room for 4 days…Those days were horrible….No stimuli of any kind. Nothing to see or hear….hence 4 days of torturous body clawing sessions as I tore at myself unable to bear the loss of control that this enclosed room caused….And my brief respite during the fight only convinced me that my predicament was real…and not just some mental sickness that could be cured …

Day 320

I can feel them closing on me….feel them convincing me of their views….AS I said….they are opposing but yet reconciled in one very ironic ….very horrendous way….that they are also exhaustive……that they are all that exists….they are the world….and everything beyond it….Oh God…!!...So futile does this sound….and how do I address Him…The You and I the That and This …the Yin and Yang……They seem to be heading for one great climax…I am to be rid of all my doubts…convinced…..once and for all and I fear the truth that awaits me at the end…..

After this….his notes were gibberish…most of them about ordinary things….but for that growing fear of some impending doom…some truth that awaited him…..some horrendous truth…..fractured sentences grammatically incorrect and a lot of miss spelt words…as though the truth would set this all right…….

He was found…..10 days later in his cell ..Dead….his body was horribly scratched…though the wounds were of his own making…..the autopsy revealed that he had died of a heart attack ….but the expression on his face….it was of surprise of shock….and something told me that this expression could only be seen in such circumstances….when the person that bore it could no longer explain it’s significance……