What's wrong with me :D

I recently set up a webpage on whatiswrongwith.me(www.whatiswrongwith.me/Sumedh), which allows to people to send anonymous feedback about you. Now i received quite a bit of feedback, some good , some bad, some random(:D). Of the two, room for improvement comments that I received, I had already known about those aspects of me and had analysed whether my behaviour was good or bad.One of them was about me talking a lot about things that maybe people around me weren't the least bit interested in.The other was about me not being able to understand my friends needs and being a little selfish.

Now, the first statement, I have heard a million times before. I agree that it can be frustrating when I get into one of my rants and then wax eloquent bout topics that are stupid, inane, random and worst of all uninteresting to others. (main kya lund insaan hoon)In fact, I have been actively trying to be less of a chatterbox, but the fact is, that most of the times, I can't help it ! I get into the groove sometimes, and then there's no stopping me (by me, of course !! Others can of course stop me. kinda like when kids bite their fingernails or suck their thumbs :D)What i suggest my frustrated friends do is say to me, in a firm quiet voice : "Sumedh, you're doing it again. . . ". Kinda like the really nice but strict fathers do in Chicken soup, or Enid Blyton books.. . Of course, don't do it all the time. I mean, i gotta have my fun too, right. . :D Actually even if people do tell me to shut up all the time, i don't think i'd actually do it. I mean, yeah i'd probably get all blushy and guilty and all, but hey, you know what they say ' The ego wants what the ego wants' :D

The second statement got me thinking.I mean, I know I am extremely self involved, but that's just because things are so complicated inside my head,it's hard to stop thinking about....... well. . everything. . Also, recognising people's needs isn't as easy or as clear cut as it's made out to be: Understanding situations, sympathising with the person in case and offering suggestions is sometihng thati can do, in my opinion, quite well, but when it comes to gauging what is wrong by a person's behaviour. . well, I suck. This is primarily because, whenever I try to extrapolate actions/body language to feelings and dilemnas i have a habit of considering every possbile scenario my mind can lay it's hands on, and analysing their possibility. And in an ostenibly stochastic world such as ours, it's not hard to assign almost equal probabilities to all the options. And I, just can't resist. I am off on my way, wild horses pulling me to every every corner of the earth.Also, several times, when I have tried to extrapolate and help, I have broached topics that my friend wouldn't want to talk about.This is essentially another parameter to be analysed, while considering probabilities: whether the other person wants to talk about it, but it is different in the sense, that whether you get the answer is one half of a binary choice:Choosing to talk, or not.To be on the safe side, I don't, and like is possbile in every possbile situation, I get made out to be the bad guy :D !! I mean, how the hell is one really supposed to know what to do and what not to do ?

The way out, as I see it, as I have always seen it, from the time that I first analysed this part of me, is "Tell Me !!!", the only difference being that I didn't really make it so clear, as it felt kind of stupid then(It still does, but I think more good will come out of this than bad) This would also solve the first problem, of me blabbering about stuff that people don't want to listen to me blabbering about.

I reiterate: If you want to talk about something, any goddamn thing under the sun, please tell me. 'Cause if there's one thing, I'm a sucker for, it's being a good samaritan (:D). . i mean seriously, this may sound extremely pious( or Pi, like they say in St Clares !!), but in fact in a morality paradigm that classifies naivete as stupid and 'unethical', I would be the worst kind of sex offender, or murderer :D.

I re-reiterate. This is not a joke. I am not messing with you to get sometihng to laugh about later in my room. I care. I'm just too unsure of what to do. . .


P.S.:Oh god, that was probably the emo-est of them all......

P.P.S.: But worth it, i hope !
P.P.P.S.: The main lund hoon was courtesy achin, the guy who put one of the comments(The less insulting one :D) on my page. . I decided to leave it in. . Seems to fit with the decor :D
P.P.P.P.S. : Once again, classic example of megalomania. . I have to be right, even about me being wrong. . . :D

P.P.P.P.P.S. : I'd make a very interesting psychiatric case ( Re: Hot psychology students :D :P)

The secret (Rhonda Byrne's was a typo :D)

Yesterday, I decoded the secret of life. I didn't realise it then. . That is, of course something to be expected. Knowing is one thing. Knowing that you know, is a totally different ball game. The first rests on your experience and reasoning capabilities, among other tihngs. The second rests on introspection, self confidence and an obsession that forces you to look at things again and again and again..(well, you get the picture..). Sometimes, knowing is enough. However, to know yourself, you must know that you know, what you know and how you know it. You must'nt just be aware of things, you must also be aware of that awareness. Admitted, that taken to the nth level and then (as is inevitable) iterated further to infinity, it gets confusing. Really confusing. But a level 2 awareness is, if you go about it the right way, the definitive step of the series, one that affords you knowledge of the further levels(Of course, to know you know, you have to actually reason out each level separately, which is a simple iterative process, but infinitely so, which makes it impossible (Think about it, and you'll realise this is true)) By the right way, I mean that your mind has to be aware that the transition from level one to level two is actually just a specific rendering of a generic interative step ( i=i++). If done properly, you feel all the levels rush by you and you are aware of them, or at least you are aware of your potentiality for awareness. However, as i said before, to go one level further in your analysis of the levels of understanding, you must go to each level and understand it's implications as a stand alone concept.A very simple example is the famous plot device used to the death in cinema. He knows that she knows that He knows . . .ad nauseam, a good example of which can be seen in Jeffrey archer's 'shoeshine boy', from His collection of short stories entitled 'Twelve red herrings'

Anyway, if i'm done digressing , I think I should move on to the real subject that I was talking about. The secret of life. In life, most of our decisions are based on analyses of situations, based on what would happen if things were to go wrong, of which there is always a good (and to our paranoid minds, overwhelmingly large) probabililty. Now, our confusion mostly stems from the fact, that all the uncertainty has it's source in the caprices of human nature, of people who are deciding on the basis of what they think your decision might be. A very convoluted game, with an infinity of sub games. . Of course, some people may not make decisions after such a detailed analysis of the situation, but not knowing, who is, and who isn't ,making their decisions in a specific way brings us back to square one. Even the most rational and moral individual (The definitions of which I leave to my readers imagination: You know what I'm talking about, even if you can't express it any better than this :P) lives his life subject to the decisions of others, not knowing if the decisions he makes will eventually lead to him being happy.

And Voila ! , I am about to throw open the curtains. . to reveal something, so obvious in its simplicity, yet so cleverly hidden by the inoccuousness of it's paradigm, by how insignicant it seems at the first glance : Blues . . .

The blues, have a very funny way of taking sadness and turning it on it's head, channeling it into something happy and constructive and beautiful. I find it nothing short of magical that when I play the blues, i fuel my music with the saddest and most depressing thoughts that my mind can muster, but inevitably, there is a smile on my face, a crazy, demented smile that is...is just great. . My guitar cries, but my mind laughs, my fingers are tensed with the sadness of a thousand deaths, terminal illnesses and an aching that threatens to suffocate, but my body is joyful, uplifted and quivering with a pleasure that is heavenly and transcendental. . .In moments, I find myself happy again. . So happy, it hurts. . like Magic.

Try it out sometime. Next time you feel sad, listen to BB king, or Muddy waters or The Allman Brothers band, and feel the magic taking you over, washing off the blues,vibrating, bending and sliding it into something crazy joyful. And the next time you worry about things going wrong, remember it'll just make the blues better. . . .

PS: Check out the compilation called chess blues, it's so awesome, they decided to invent a new word for it, but realised that it wasn't possible. .

PPS: Yes, that was a horrible simile, but the problem defies the very basis of a simile, that there must exist sometihng comparable and similar to it.

PPPS: Oh Gawd ! that saxophone.

PPPPS: Was listening to a song called The commisioner , by Arbee Stidham.. . as i wrote this. . .