The company of myself

It just struck me, that ' People who know me in passing' probably think i'm weird. Just a half hour ago, I was walking back, just having enjoyed a Roast chicken Sub sandwich and a doughnut with cappuchino flavoured whipped cream ( Or as I would say : heaven on a plate), when I caught people giving me strange looks. One or two of those incidents may be explained away by the fact that two dogs, one huge and black, the other tiny and white, were frolicking about me, trying their utmost to rip my hand off; but I found that I was on the receiving end of the glances, even when I wasn't being followed by my personal guard.
Just the other day, I found myself, sitting alone in our large Open Air theatre, waiting for an event to start, just staring into space, and thinking about ...uhmm.well ..let's skip that, or i'll attract even more stares.Well, basically I was sitting around, when a friend called out to me, looking bemused and thoroughly amused, and asked me, what the hell I was doing. Now I agree, that with my close cropped hair, large headphones, and intentionally(or so people say) funny walk, it is likely that I paint a funny picture, but several examples have convinced me, that the common factor, is that i'm alone. That too, in very peculiar circumstances: Returning from a solitary dinner, on a friday night; in a place filled with people, all of whom I've known for a long time; between lectures in the middle of a lawn, full of people; always in situations where I would be hard pressed not to find someone to talk to.

Now, I have plenty of friends. Lord knows, I have more than i can handle. I'd probably be much better off with fewer friends, whom I was closer to, but Lord knows, that ain't possible, what with machiavelli, a general lack of genuinity and my big mouth.And that's precisely why I feel the need to be alone, with myself. To catharsize(not sure that's a word), to think, to talk freely and rearrange my thoughts. In fact, when people stare at me, I stare right back, breaking into a wide grin, once i've passed them by ( Imagine, that , the next time you see me; i guarantee it'll make you laugh :D)making up funny back stories and imaginary rendezvous for them, imagining twisted love polygons and backstabbing roommates and psychotic friends.( That too, is fun !) But apart from that, when I haven't been distracted into escapist imaginative hedonia (Yeah, It asked for that..(escapist imaginative hedonia :P)), I'm thinking...About weird stuff, i'll give you that: Of if's and but's,could's and should's, forks in time, and me.Didn't they tell you ?, Narcissus got reincarnated. ( nated...nated...nated...(Who's that ?!))

Now as you can imagine, going over one's decisions and quasi decisions is mindnumbing and disorienting. Questioning one's choices, repeatedly, torn between a Jekyll and a Hyde, kinda like the angel and devil that are shown to hover above one's left and right shoulder in several cartoons, only, none of them's really a devil or an angel in their totality.Too right. . .Mentally, it's like getting ripped to shreds by a billion different horses ( as analogous to paradigms), though only a few of the billion are really truly apparent to any one individual,( in a horrible parallel of vector summation, it is easier to comprehend 8, or 10 'equivalent horses'(:D) that are made up of the vector sums of several other horses, face it, you're ripped to shreds either way, there's no use splitting hairs..or in this case..'equivalent horses' :D) but it's fun, and satisfying. It gives you a more complete picture, even if you are denied closure most of the times.It puts a lot of things in perspective.And imagining twisted plot developments in one's starers lives is wayy more interesting than what's actually going on in their lives ( not yours..wild horses, remember !)

Basically, my point is: Solitude is essential. . To know yourself. To understand better, your decisions and those of others. And it's fun. After all, if people spend time with you, why can't you spend time with yourself ? It's second best to, if not as good as, a genuine relationship.And you don't have to share your doughnut. .. .

PS: Yeah, i'm weird...

PPS: I talk to dogs sometimes...

PPPS: Okay! i do it all the time ...

Machiavelli does a backflip (in his grave)

Caution:....This is not a drill....Keep reading only if you wish to be handed key weapons to which my psyche is vulnerable, that could lead to the destruction of my self confidence and self esteem. Who am I kidding, isn't that something everything wants..Not me specifically, no not even I am as presumptuous and arrogant as that, but the weaknesses, fears and neuroses of people in general.To subtly influence them, manipulate them, control them.I realise that i have been to smart alecky in my posts in general and that I need to render myself vulnerable and entirely defenseless. But wait... Why would I do that ? Is that even possible ? After all i control the content of this post. I will decide what to write here and what to omit. It's like The Hulk punching himself in the face.Only he can do it, but why would he ? To see how it feels ? To get stronger? ( Derived from the 2 ancient adages: 'What doesn't kill you will make you stronger'...and 'Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me' : After all, it's not like I'm Achilles revealing my weak spot, it's more mental)For shock value ? For respect and admiration, imagined and expected, over notions of the 'bravery' of the act ? To have people confide their own insecurities in me ?

To the questions above :
Try suicide then, just once , to see how it feels.Adage 2 is false.Suicide again: Grow a pair, Get a life . Yeah right, what are you a 16 year old just out of a movie theatre ?Why?Why in the name of God would anyone want that ?

Because, of all the reasons. Because, in my morality paradigm, largely a creation of movies,Chicken soup for the soul, and Cecelia Ahern books, these things are good and desirable. Because I want to play out the first Jason Bourne book on an emotional plane to see if(sorry..how :D) I survive.Because I'm bored and I trust in the goodness of men( generic...no gender intended :D)

By now, you are either a) salivating, with a hungry rapacious look in your eye(if you're a descendant of Machiavelli ), b)looking misty eyed with a small smile on your face, your brow slightly furrowed, a blessed look on your face(if you're gay: or emo, like me...:D), c) looking disgusted and surprised at my naivete and stupidity ( if you're a friend of mine, that's not gay or emo) or some combination of the 3.( 'Yeah !'(rapacious), 'Ohh..sighh...'(gay), 'WTF !See a shrink'(friend)). And yeah, i expect that. I know what people are likely to say, think and do after reading this, and i'm ready for it.Ready to take what the world has to give me. Cruel world, that has influenced, manipulated and guided people for centuries, without their knowing. A world where we all keep our cards stuck to our chest, afraid to look ourselves, for fear that someone else might catch a glance. Where advantages are pressed unto death. Where one cannot breathe, or walk or jump or sing, without being vulnerable to attack. Where we wear so many masks and don so many roles, we ourselves know not who we really are.....

Yes I am ready...To play an open hand, relying on my sheer strength and fortitude to beat back the merciless hordes that approach, a handful of brave soldiers by my side.


Excellent...We are prepared for every contingency. Not one to be caught napping.Nope.Not us.We're ready


PS: It was a drill...

PPS: As it always is....

PPPS: Notice how I actually did reveal my motivation in the first paragraph before chickening out.

PPPPS: But does, that count, considering the fact that I pointed it out. I may be just playing with you from the outset, kinda like an intellectual cocktease(Pardon my language !) where an erection is used as an analogue to mental stimulation, an intellectual breakthrough !!

PPPPPS: I might actually do it, but i'm sure people get bored.

PPPPPPS: That rapacious look is back guys. . . Cut it out,. I was kidding...